Upward Trend

Maybe you’ve started putting it together by now, but I am anything but a polished, smooth sailing, always joyful, peaceful hearted woman. 

My little tiny spark for our Lord, that was planted by the seeds of faith my family sowed, has turned into a roaring fire ablaze for Him. Yet, somehow even ten years after my deeper conversion into the faith I already had, I still don’t come close to the woman I desire and am called to be.

I do ALL THE THINGS…

I read all the books….

I listen to all the podcasts…

I attend Mass weekly…

I frequent the confessional box…

I run a Bible study at my church and a middle-schooled version for my daughter at our homeschool co-op (shout out to Walking With Purpose – a phenomenal Resource for Bible studies!!)

I set my alarm for 5:45 every morning (don’t panic, most people appreciate sleep but God graced me with lots of energy from the day I was born) and spend the first 30 minutes of every day in prayer and quiet time with our Lord. Though let’s be honest, it usually isn’t quiet, but rather loud with a babe on my boob or a toddler on my lap. 

I surround myself with AWESOME women and people all striving and fighting to live out their faith.

So how come I haven’t yet morphed into this fully virtuous woman by now???? Come on God what is taking so long? 

I move with a grace on the good days, which runs into weeks of a mellow easiness. I’m able to absorb all the arrows and flames that come roaring at me amidst the beautiful mayhem of daily life. I start to get comfortable and begin to feel like I’ve finally allowed the Lord to mold me into the woman I’m supposed to be. “Alright, Suzanne, look you are finally growing in virtue!”

Then the day comes, when one more overdue bill is too much, one more sibling battle breaks my patience, or one more basket of dirty laundry has me screaming “I will never catch up!!!” Then all this movement towards virtue seems to instantaneously be thrown out the window. I yell, I mope, I stomp and pout at the daily battles of being a wife, homemaker and momma to these little people. 

This is when my soul is vulnerable, my fears are exposed and I become the perfect prey for an enemy who loves to whisper lies to my heart. He knows when to pounce, when my self-loathing opens me up to hear his sneaky words. “Look at you, you are pathetic. You aren’t growing at all. Why do you bother? You are still the immature woman you were a decade ago! You certainly haven’t grown in virtue and we sure as all know you’ve been trying, so maybe just hang in the towel and admit you aren’t cut out for this stuff!”

I find myself with the covers pulled over my head and a throbbing heart full of regret and feelings of unworthiness. “I was obedient Lord! I listened to your call on my heart to write and to share! Yet, how can I write words of encouragement, words meant to lead people closer to You, when I can’t come close to being whom you carefully crafted me to be? How can I preach to my kiddos all your ways, all your love, and how we are to share your love by loving others, when I can’t always get this love thing right myself???”

Then through the opening cracks of my sheets I raise my eyes to the heavens and I pray. I pray that God sees my heart, I pray that He knows my fervent yet broken effort to become the wife , the mother, the friend, the WOMAN He has designed me to be. Then slowly He knocks on my boarded up heart and He starts to chip away. He gently and so tenderly reminds me of a promise He so clearly made in Ezekiel 36:26, which says “I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh.” I hear this promise and I breathe in heavy and I cry “But I don’t see it Lord! I’m still failing daily!!!” Then like the gentleman that He is, He gently flashes an image in front of my weary eyes and …I …exhale. 

The image of a line graph over His sacred heart. A line graph of my efforts over the years of crawling towards the greater height that Christ has called me, called all of us. I see my recent state, a dip, a pretty big treacherous dip downward and I look back and see dips all over the place. But that isn’t what settles in. The idea that I come crashing down often doesn’t discourage my weak and exposed heart in this moment, because what He allows me to focus on is the bigger picture: the upward trend. “My sweet daughter, look at the journey I’ve taken you on. Though it pains me to see you fall in a valley of anger, a pit of impatience, or a dip of self-loathing, I never told you that your heart would be made new overnight. Yet, in cooperation with me I will slowly move your heart upwards.” 

It’s a message I need to remind myself all the time. When the days and weeks come plowing through like a turbulent snow storm, times when I am far away from living out my life virtuously, I rest on His promises. I pick myself up, dust myself off, apologize to those I’ve hurt, especially my tender Lord, and try to climb up that rocky mountainous line again. 

We will never reach the top of this mountain while still here in this broken world, for our souls will not reach their perfect heights until we are united with Christ. But in the meantime friends, we must not be discouraged and never let the world tell us to throw in the towel! For our Lord has great plans for us, if only we’d allow His merciful heart to carry us out of the trenches that we often stumble down into. As St. Paul reminds my fragile heart often, I will also remind all of you that “I am confident of this, that He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.” Philippians 1:6

~Suzanne Bilodeau