Posts - Latte and Laundry

Loving the Hidden Enemy

February 20, 2022 No Comments

Love your ENEMIES?

I’ve often heard Luke 6:27-38 and brushed it off like, “Sure, sure Jesus, I’ve got you! I’ll love my enemies!” I have found it relatively easy to pray for and “love” those that I have deemed as enemies for years; tyrant leaders, the rude coffee barista, the loved one that betrayed, the colleague that ruled with harshness and fury, the relative that turned their back on us, or the CEO of a well known abortion provider.

I was satisfied with my effort to pick up my cross, lift them in prayer, and stand with a posture of love.

But what if I haven’t taken the time to let our Lord bring into the light the hidden ones that I’ve created as enemies of my heart? It becomes clearer as I journey waist-deep into the waters of the spiritual life, that I’ve often missed the boat.

What if we’ve been picking up the wrong “enemy” cross all these years? What if the bigger cross that Christ was asking you to lift has been dragging through the mud, weighing down your forward progression this whole time?

These hidden enemies of our hearts, have a quiet, yet dark power over our freedom, joy, and greater communion with our most perfect Father. They are not just enemies as the world defines. No, Jesus does not limit our enemies to the villains in our lives. Rather, we have to look deep to identify the sneaky “enemies of our capacity to love” that we’ve villainized and let reside in our hearts.

Every soul aches with these hidden ones that sting and pierce us. Maybe it’s your spouse who never seems to respect you, the friend that never shows up as much as you do, or the always pregnant women in your life while you struggle over fertility heartaches. Maybe it’s the friend who doesn’t have financial woes like you, the mom that appears perfect, or the seemingly happy marriage that reminds you how broken yours is.

When we open the doors and let them reside as enemies deep within us, in places once designed for love alone, we slowly become full of small, dark, and destructive rooms in the chambers of our heart. We feed pride, jealousy, and contempt in our souls.

So this week, when the Sunday Gospel reminds us to love our enemies, maybe ask God to shed light on the ones you have secretly villainized, kept hidden, and tucked away in the dark corners of your heart.

Letting Go

Selfishly Selfless

August 12, 2021 No Comments

There is a door being slammed all around us. A door that the “take care of me” culture has slowly been using to keep IT out. They shove it in a closet, lock the door and throw away the key. What is IT that has become so hard to be an ever-part of our lives and homes? SELFLESSNESS.

In fact, it is something I’ve seen take a back seat lately, and felt an explosion roaring up from the bottom of my soul. I’ve watched husbands, after 30 years of marriage, walk out with no plans of ever returning. I’ve witnessed mothers suddenly turn their hearts and time away from the kids they once raised. I’ve seen young couples depleted with weariness, ready to throw in the towel because marriage doesn’t seem as glamorous as they once imagined. I’ve heard men and women alike fuss and fight because they are simply just too tired of serving. Admittedly, I can be one of those women.

I don’t always feel like living selflessly for others. Sometimes I merely want to sit sipping my coffee, scrolling my phone, or reading a good book. I don’t want to get up and make them breakfast and start getting out the school books. I don’t always feel like waking up in the night to tend to a fussy baby and I certainly don’t always feel like changing the diapers or scrubbing the toilets. I don’t always want to compromise with a spouse, or listen to everyone else’s ideas. Sometimes I simply want life to go as conveniently and easy as possible.

The days move in a never-ending cycle of service; cook, clean, work, discipline, fold, wash, brush, bed, and repeat. The routine and daily grind of living our lives serving the children, the spouses, the friends, and the family can be utterly draining. It isn’t easy, in fact it can be darn near possible, to live the life that God has called us to.

In a world where so much focus is placed on doing whatever makes us happy, the enemy can sneakily breathe lies into our hearts. We can start to believe we’ve been given the short end of the stick, that we’ve been serving for far too long, and now “It is time I put myself first.”

But, putting our own wants and desires aside for the good of serving another is one of the greatest and most fulfilling, while also the most difficult, callings of human life. Yet, this is exactly why the creator of the stars and seas created us. We were made to know Him, to love Him, and to serve Him in this life, and to be happy with Him forever in the next. We most beautifully love and serve him through loving and serving others.

In fact, this is precisely what God came to show us how to do. The Son of Man, who was born into the fullness of selfless love itself – the family, lived out his earthly ministry by serving others. Mark reminds us that “Even the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many.” Mark 10:45

But still, we are weak and broken, and this selfless kind of love will not always be easy. Recently, I found myself about to speak to a number of people regarding the calling of dying to ourselves, and living our lives as selfless fountains of love, being poured out for the good of others. But then, before I even opened my mouth, I heard God whisper into my heart two simple words, “Selfishly selfless.” I was suddenly flooded with the reality of how one’s life looks when they live merely for themselves versus living for others.

This is something I think we as a modern culture should pay very close attention to. We all want joy and happiness, and we often search for this by seeking out ways to meet our needs. Yet, when we live only for ourselves, we run the risk of breaking hearts and homes, including and most especially our OWN.

Marriages become tumultuous and relationships become strained. When our greatest priority is ourselves, we end up far from the joy filled life we were SO desperately seeking.

In fact, it is surprisingly ironic, yet powerfully true, that if we pay close attention to our greatest needs, desires, and hopes for joy and happiness, then living a life of selflessness is one of the most beautifully selfish things we can do. When we pour ourselves out in selflessness by loving, doting and tending to those that Christ has laid in our path, we bear more joy producing fruit in our own lives than we could have expected; the thriving marriage, the secure and joy filled children, the underlying peace. Whereas, living solely for oneself usually leads to broken marriages and strained relationships, which carries around the dark heavy cloud of pain and anguish.

Will we be free of pain by living selflessly? Certainly not! Yet, God gives us the framework for a life overflowing with His eternal joy. He tells us of the beautiful consequences of pouring ourselves out for the sake of another. He says “Give and it will be given to you. A good measure, pressed down, shaken together and running over, will be poured into your lap.” (Luke 6:38)

Although we are not called to serve with the motive of selfish demands, God tells us that by living a life of selflessness we will in fact most perfectly set ourselves up to meet our heart’s most beautiful desires. So when we find ourselves exhausted, weary or resentful for having to fold one more piece of clothing, wash one more dish, or show up for one more day for work, maybe just maybe, we can remember that living selflessly is actually one of the most beautifully selfish things we can do!

Stillness

Inch by Inch

July 8, 2021 No Comments

Some days are easier than others. We move about with a smoothness and ease that we can almost forget the difficulties of yesterday. In moments like these we can feel as though we can take on the world. Ten more loads of laundry? No problem. Need me to run 137 errands? No sweat. Double up my job responsibilities. Why not? Have five more kiddos? Sure, God BRING IT ON!

Then there are days where simply getting through feels like rubbing your entire self against sandpaper. We feel the heavy weight of all there is left to be done and remaining on our never-ending checklists in the coming minutes, days, weeks and months. We can become so overwhelmed with all that has yet to be accomplished that we become unable to move, frozen with an anxious sense of it’s just too much. We can begin to feel so debilitated by even the most menial duties. I often feel utterly incapable of planning the week’s meals, the kiddos sports schedule, the school assignments that need tackling, or what bills I should attempt to pay. The heaviness of the difficulties of life can cast a dark shadow and I try to look ahead but see no sign of the sun’s light. Then I hear his words echoing around in the depths of my soul and I begin to move. The words he taught me.

I started dating my husband when I was practically still a baby, at the young age of 17, though I was convinced I had reached all maturity at that point. My husband comes from a wholesomely beautiful home with a very tight knit extended family. Although his nuclear family wasn’t extraordinarily large, being one of 3 kids, his extended family of cousins, aunts and uncles, was like an enormous gang that you so desperately wanted to be a part of. The simple witness of love that abounded from his family was magnetically attractive.

At the head of this beautiful family, stood the patriarch. The gorilla sized teddy bear with a trunk sized bag of jokes nicely tucked away in his heart, a welcoming smile the size of Texas, and a child-like love for life – POPPIE. He had an old fashioned charm that captivated your heart. The only one in the room that caught on to the fact that I could eat like a trucker yet run around with the swiftness of a teenage light-weight. “Suzanne I found more food for you, keep it going – I love how you eat” he’d say with a wink and a giggle. Someone else may have said this to me and I would have instantly felt self-conscious. But not with Poppie. He had a way of teasing you with a love so fierce that your heart swelled with the joy of knowing that together you shared a secret.

Toward the end of his enormously lived life, Poppie stood by his tiny wife whom he treasured more than life itself, looked out upon his children and grandchildren and said “Look at all we’ve done Mert, life is good.” I have never known another soul who valued the treasure of family more than this man. For this alone my heart was sold, I was his.

So here I stood at the dirty edge of my kitchen sink paralyzed with too much to get done, simply overwhelmed with all I needed to accomplish in the next month. How will I survive these next few weeks? There’s just no way, I’m going to break! Then his words, which he learned a long time ago, slowly started to trickle back into my heart. “Inch by inch life’s a cinch, yard by yard life is hard.” I looked up and saw the dishes right in front of my eyes and I started to wash while whispering “inch by inch” the entire time. Then slowly the weight of the world started to lift from my tired shoulders. What freedom we can find when we don’t worry about all to come, but simply tackle the task that has been set out right in front of us.

What a beautiful life lesson this is, and one we need to remind ourselves constantly when we become frozen with fear over all that is left to do. Yet, this isn’t some newly profound lesson taught by one of my earthly heroes. No, it is a message that has been set out for us for thousands of years. The Son of Man himself told us so clearly to not worry about what is needed tomorrow, but instead to focus simply on today. During his infamous Sermon on the Mount, Jesus comforted the hearts of the weary with his words; “Do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.” Matthew 6:34.

So whether you have the teddy bear strength of a man breathing these words into your heart, or you reflect on the ever-timely words from the God of the universe, I pray we can all find rest in knowing that life was not meant to be lived ten yards at a time. Rather, it is here in the now, in the midst of the moments of today that our Lord is calling us to move simply inch by inch, one dish at a time.

~Suzanne Bilodeau

Seeking Him

The Dangerous “D” word.

June 11, 2021 No Comments

There are some words we use on a daily basis and toss around freely and carelessly in conversation without giving them any real intentional consideration. We frequently converse with such a cruising speed that we don’t put much thought into the 16,000 words that we speak on an average day. According to Wikipedia, some of the most commonly used words (other than the obvious small words such as “the”, “a”, and “is”) are “problem”, “have”, “want”, and “time”. Yet, there is one highly dangerous word that does not make the top 100 list, yet I have found myself not only hearing it but also saying it more and more over the last number of years. At face value this word is nothing more than a subtle action or linking verb used within the English language. But this is where God is so awesome, because with Him nothing is simply just face value, but often instead He peels back the layers to reveal so much more.

While talking to a friend the other day, I caught myself using this common word without even noticing. I was discussing something that I was currently struggling with when the word so easily slid off my careless tongue, “I deserve more than that.” Then as though piercing through the stormy wind, an inner voice came bellowing through “DESERVE, but who says?” I quickly quieted down this unempathetic voice and moved on.

But here I was, once again sitting in adoration, having a heart to heart with my buddy Jesus when I found myself complaining about one of my crosses that I didn’t feel like picking up and carrying upon my back. I was justifying it all to my good God, explaining that I “DO NOT deserve that” when suddenly I was pierced with an awareness of this sense once again of “but who says?”. The Webster dictionary defines the verb form of deserve as the following “to earn by service; to be worthy of (something due, either good or evil); to merit; to be entitled to;”

As I explored this word more deeply it became so clear that DESERVE is a very dangerous word. A word that we so strongly convict ourselves of, then in turn fiercely fight many battles on the simple claim that we do or do not deserve something. We start making claims of what we are entitled to, what we have merited, or what we are worthy of. Yet, though this may be the way of the world, it is certainly not the way of our Lord. Through the incarnation, God became man and set before us a path to follow. We are called to follow in the footsteps of the Son of God himself. St. Paul tells us in Ephesians 5:1-2 “Therefore be imitators of God, as beloved children, and walk in love, as Christ loved us.” Christ gave us the example of the prodigal son, who by all worldly standards, certainly did not deserve his father’s mercy and gracious joy. Or how about the day laborers who joined the workforce late yet received the same daily wages as their fellow workers who had worked many more hours than them. Did they deserve an equal pay? Once again, by worldly standards the answer would be absolutely no. But this is PRECISELY why our Lord came down and spoke in such parables, in order to crush all worldly expectations and to teach us a thing or two about breaking down the walls of “merit”, “earned”,or “worthiness.”

Yet, even after hearing these infamous lessons spoken by God himself, we can become so inward facing, comparison driven, and entitled obsessed that we begin to believe that what we do or don’t deserve is as simple 1+1=2. But folks, truth of the matter is we are all unworthy and all undeserving. But God doesn’t work by our worldly standards. God, whose mercy is endless and our entitlement nothing, often leaves us perplexed when His math looks like 9+3=142. Yet, as Amanda Jenkins recently just said “God is a god of impossible math”. Once we realize this we can slowly begin to realize how dangerous the word DESERVE really is. It centers our focus on fairness, and worthiness, and in turn rejects God impossible math of mercy and compassion. We don’t deserve Gods infinite mercy, but He pours it out anyways. We don’t deserve to be forgiven and saved, yet He came to rescue us. We certainly do not deserve to be children of the King of universe, yet He ceaselessly claims us as HIS beloveds.

God tells us through the Apostle Peter in 1 Peter 2:21 that “For to this you have been called, because Christ also suffered for you, leaving you an example, so that you might follow in his steps.” I’ll ask you, from a worldly sense did Christ deserve to be scourged and tormented? Did Christ deserve to be betrayed and crucified? Certainly not, but this was His way.

So the next time we find ourselves so easily staking our claim to what we do or do not deserve, let’s reflect on Christ’s example, remember the dangers of this sentiment, and realize that in fact we do not deserve anything. Yet, through Christ himself we have gained everything!

Children

You are the Best

May 7, 2021 1 Comment

Much of this message I wrote a year ago, yet it is so critical for my weak little heart that I needed to dive back into again this year. This message is a gentle reminder from our patient Lord, who never tires of reassuring a needy heart.

“YOU ARE THE BEST” once just a plain sheet of old pink construction paper that has been carefully pruned and snipped by the dull edges of small scissors and eight-year-old hands.

When I read these words that were strewn out in front of me on Mother’s Day last year, my heart skipped a beat. In a quiet room, I sat in bed sipping my warm cup of coffee after the hustle and bustle of little people delivered the most exquisite and childlike breakfast. But, as I snuggled up to the edge of my bed I continued to stare at those words. In front of my weary eyes were words laid down by the children who have seen the cracks, felt the let downs, heard the harsh words. “The BEST? No I can’t be!” I was overcome with the truth that I was anything but the best.

But this is the lie we tell ourselves, the heavy chain of guilt we wear around our necks never letting the weight of it to be lifted. I could sense our Heavenly Father whispering quietly into my heart as I re-read the delicate scraps of pink paper.

I pause… and I hear “You are not perfect and you never will be so let that go. For I have not created you for a worldly perfect. You are not a perfect mother but YOU ARE THE BEST MOTHER!” It’s a message that he has quietly been dancing around the edges of my heart for months, or rather years.

He has not created me to be a perfectly polished, never late, always clean, no sugar, no screens, never losing my temper, always smiling, never too busy, never needing to apologize kind of mother. He gently plays the background of hum of 10 little feet, 10 little feet that race, pitter patter, stomp and dance around the house . Feet that are dirty from rolling around in the mud, that I’ve tickled dozens of times and cringe with excitement when “…this little piggy went all the way home.” These feet, these hands, these hearts, they don’t need perfect, they need the best!

He has created each of us, every mother alike as the best, the best mom for this child that He has given us the honor of watching over for him. No other woman was more perfectly designed than YOU to be the mother of YOUR child! He knows that it would be your gentle, yet often calloused hands that would wipe the tears off of that sweet face, that it would be you rearranging your family’s dinner because that tiny mouth just can’t and won’t eat mashed potatoes. He knew you would lie awake at night tossing and turning over how to best get them to learn how to read, or worrying how to help them not only make but also be a good friend. He gave you your heart and knows that it is your heart that is best suited to love your child.

But we will not be perfect. We will fall. We will discipline too harshly. We will yell, we will cry and we will spend hours crying over the moments we yelled. We will secretly have times when we resent our duty to care for these little souls that He has entrusted to us. But what a good God He is because His mercies are endless and His redeeming power can restore all of our broken moments to wholeness once again.

So we must not listen to the lie that often creeps in… The lie that I am not enough, that I will fail, that someone could’ve done better than me because newsflash when God chose YOU to be mom, He said NO ONE could do it better for that child than YOU. But answering that call to be the best He has created us to be is the million dollar question. Will we dig our heels deep in the ground refusing to let His graces pour out upon us because we just can’t get it right? Or will we fall to our knees allowing His mercy to take over so that we may allow this “BEST” to radiate within our hearts and homes?

You were not perfect and you never will be but that’s OK because He gently whispers in each of our hearts that YOU ARE THE BEST!

~ Suzanne Bilodeau

Letting Go

Perfectly Mine

April 8, 2021 1 Comment

Okay, where are my fellow perfectionists at? The ones who feel an angst when your home isn’t clean enough, your kiddos aren’t behaving well enough, your marriage isn’t thriving enough, or your day wasn’t productive enough. “Be a better homemaker” you say. “Love them better” you cry. “Read more books on marriage” you conclude. “You better try harder and tomorrow you will get more done” you sigh.

I’m not sure what drove this intense need to be perfect, but it was so incredibly consuming that there were days that it only left behind destruction in its wake. Sadly, competition was the driving force behind this need for perfection. Yet, the funny thing was that it didn’t come from wanting to out-mow my neighbor, out-bake my friends or out-do my family members. Instead, I was in a long term never-ending deep competition with the woman who stared back at me in the mirror.

However, this destructive wall of perfectionism was slowly crumbling away as I began to find rest in our Lord. St. Therese says it perfectly, “Let us go forward in peace, our eyes upon heaven, the only one goal of our labors.” Heaven is the only goal! As I started moving more towards our Lord, I began walking further away from this disordered need for perfection. I was slowly finding rest in His loving gaze and my heart’s priorities began to shift. What’s ironic is that the less I strived for perfection, the closer I probably stumbled towards it (though still beyond miles away).

I thought I was slowly sewing up the wounds from the aftermath of this brokenness. Then all of this started. The blogging, the podcasting, and all the sharing of the intimate parts of my heart. Then the enemy saw me, had eyes set upon his prey and began to move. It wasn’t even words said by anyone that led to this new sense of needing to be perfect, instead it was my own inner spiral that began to cloud my vision. But the funny thing is that my need for perfection tends to move about with the gaping swing of a pendulum! One moment I go from rapidly moving with a haste to complete all my tasks to feeling a heavy sense of depleted weariness in the next.

Years ago, I remember watching a car commercial that stung me deeply. Their message tried to convince the consumer that their cars are always improving. In order to sell this line they talked about the dangers of success and proclaimed that “If you think you’ve done your best, aim higher. You can always be faster, or smarter, or stronger. Keep reaching beyond your best, because better is a never-ending quest!” At face value this may seem like an awesome high five to all the motivational speakers out there. Yet, as I looked down at my kiddos I remember feeling a deep ache about the message that this was sending. This idea that nothing will ever be good enough, but instead we must always try harder, achieve greater, climb higher, and leap further. This commercial was playing straight into the destructive message that tells us that we must never rest, as there is always so much more in this world you should be trying to conquer. Yet, the lack of resting in the current moment, for which our Lord has placed us in, is exactly what leads to the restless, broken and suicidal nature of our western culture.

When we believe the lie that nothing is ever enough, we start to place our entire worth and attention on all that is waiting to be accomplished, or needing to be improved. In doing this, we begin to pile up dirty layers of gook upon the windows of our souls. We can no longer clearly see out towards all that is beautiful and true, while simultaneously blocking others from seeing into the depths of who we really are.

Unfortunately, when we feel the weight placed upon our shoulders by the task oriented world, we usually do one of two things; we either grab some extra dumbbells of perfectionism and toss them onto our backs or we grow weary and defeated and raise our white flags. This is where I found myself recently. My perfectionism had been on overdrive, it overheated, weariness and smoke began to billow about. Right there in the corner of my crumb filled kitchen I blew up the engine of my soul. Why bother? What does it all matter I concluded? I’m too exhausted! I’m sick and tired of trying so hard!

I crawled my way to adoration one day and sat before our Lord. I was weary and I was heavy. Even under the dark cloud of defeat, I could sense our Lord’s tender hand upon my heart. “I never asked you to be perfect, I simply asked you TO BE MINE”. I suddenly felt like I dropped 100 pounds. My shoulders were light and my heart was slow. We hear God saying in Proverbs 23:26, “My son, give me your heart, and let your eyes observe my ways.” Though He wants us to crawl our way towards sainthood, Our Lord isn’t waiting for our perfectly tidied homes, our polished resumes or our Instagram worthy pictures. Instead, the King of the world simply wants US, PERIOD! He is waiting for us to surrender our hearts, our minds and our entire selves to Him!

Only God himself can fully break our chains of perfection and provide us with His heavenly peace. So place your heart in His hands and trust that He will lead your way. We were promised in Isaiah 26:3 that, “You will keep in PERFECT peace those whose minds are steadfast because they trust you.” So rest easy, as the Lord himself is the saving grace that our perfection-seeking selves need. He is the newly opened bottle of Windex for the windows of our soul. Let Him come in, wipe away the disordered beliefs and all the gook of your brokenness and let Him gently whisper into your newly cleansed soul, “No you are not perfect, but that’s okay because you are perfectly mine.”

~Suzanne

Letting Go

“Because I Love You”

March 4, 2021 2 Comments

It is funny because I had already drafted up a blog post for this week. Being in the depths of our Lenten Series for our Latte and Laundry Podcast on Identity in Christ, I was inspired to do a write-up on who we are, which often includes debunking the lies of who we have falsely believed we are. I wanted to share with everyone the gift and beauty of realizing that first and foremost we are beloved children of God, known before we were even conceived, forgiven and redeemed by the price of His precious blood, and called to be light bearers of His ever-burning rays of love.

But God is funny like that. I can set up my words, lay out the entire outline, plan my next move and He can come in and crumble it down to the ground for His greater purpose. “Yes,” He so sweetly whispers into my heart, “an identity rooted in ME, is essential to the Christian walk of faith. Yes, people absolutely need to be reminded of these truths! Yet, this is why I have called you to speak about it on the podcast. But here, no sweet girl. Here, in the carefully woven words strung from your heart, here I ask you to speak on FEAR and TRUST.”

Six months ago, I started waking up with tingling arms and a racing heart. I was sent to a cardiologist, who did a thorough work up on my heart and found that my heart looked perfect (at least from a physical sense). It was there that the cardiologist said that my tingling arms were more indicative of neurological concerns, not cardiovascular. So on I moved to see a neurologist who seemed only mildly concerned with my minor symptoms. He wanted to do an MRI of my brain and neck to rule out any lesions or pinched nerves.

With horrible insurance that would NOT cover the expense of any of it, we decided to hold off on further testing. My doctor said he didn’t see any urgency in getting an MRI done because my symptoms were so mild. But fast forward a few months, my symptoms and worry began to spread. I now began experiencing tingling legs and feet, often when I was out on my daily run. I woke one morning with numbness on one side of my face, blurry vision and pressure behind one eye that persisted for days.

I likely would have continued to be an optimist as the symptoms progressed until I remembered something that opened the doors for FEAR and DARKNESS to rear their nasty heads into my heart and mind. I realized that the one thing the neurologist wanted to rule out on my brain, was the very same thing that doctors saw present years ago. Six years before this, when I was hospitalized with a horrible case of Lyme disease the doctors found something on my brain. They found evidence of damage on my brain that they couldn’t explain away. Being engulfed in the current emergency of my health, the doctors never pursued it and I never followed up.

Here I sat with blurry vision, numb face and a tingling leg, overcome with an indescribable fear. Words like “lesions”, “multiple sclerosis” and “peripheral neuropathy” began to cloud my thinking. I looked out onto my five young kids suddenly overwhelmed with a sense that life could change.

Scheduling my MRI became more difficult than I expected, so getting a fast answer to all the swirling questions would have to wait. This deep aching fear became debilitating for the weeks that followed. I became consumed with all the what ifs.

Could this be something serious?

Will I ultimately be disabled?

Can I continue to homeschool my children as I assumed I would be able to?

How can I be the wife and mom I planned to be, if I am no longer who I thought I’d be?

Under all of these consuming fears, there was still this hidden peace, a quiet beating truth placed on my heart. I couldn’t hear it at first because the voices telling me to BE AFRAID were so darn loud. But soon, I began to quiet the echoing vibrations of all the fear and my Lord’s voice came plowing through.

“Suzanne, don’t you know I’m not limited by sickness or health, hours or days, difficulties or ease? I’m not confined by the plans you’ve made? Do you trust me?”

Then Romans 8:28 hit me. “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him.”

If I love my good God so deeply, and know that His plans are greater than mine, what is there to fear? How can I not trust that He will work everything for my good?

Jeremiah 29:11 so infamously says: “For I know the plans that I have for you,’ declares the Lord, ‘plans for welfare and not for calamity to give you a future and a hope.” WAIT-I needed to take a closer look at this. It doesn’t say “For I know the plans you have”, but rather it is His plans for me that He has declared are for my welfare and for a hope.

This started to penetrate my heart, but it wasn’t until attending a live stations of the cross rehearsal for my children this past Friday that I was fully pierced with this truth. I was watching the young man, chosen to play Christ, carrying his heavy wooden cross. As I stared in awe and amazement of all our Lord did for us I was suddenly struck with an image of Christ himself. He was beaten, and bloody and walking the steps of Calvary while under the crushing weight of the cross that we placed upon him. I found myself in the crowd staring at Jesus Christ himself, when suddenly His eyes locked with mine and from His lips He gently whispered with all the energy He could muster “Because I love you.”

I was suddenly overwhelmed with the truth of how much our God not only loves all of us, but how much he loves ME. Letting this truth sink into the depths of my soul, instantly shredded the fear I was experiencing.

The Bible says Do Not Fear 365 times. It is no coincidence that it is said one time for every day of the year. Our God knows our weak human nature. He knows that fully laying our trust and lives into His hands will be no easy task. So He gently and patiently speaks this truth over and over throughout His living word. He literally provides us a reminder to live EACH and EVERY day fearlessly.

My MRI is scheduled for the day before this blog post comes out. I still don’t know what my future may hold. Yet, my fear has been wiped away, as I have a new renown sense of hope through trusting God’s intense love for me; not a hope of health, not a hope of goals to be accomplished, but a hope in knowing that God’s plans are and will always be greater than mine.

~Suzanne Bilodeau

Seeking Him

He Enters Through Our Cracks

February 4, 2021 2 Comments

Alright friends, I’m going to get pretty raw and real here. I had a soul stamping experience a few weeks ago that may be hard to articulate, explain or even resonate with. Yet I can feel the Lord literally pushing my fingers to type away, so here goes nothing:

I was crumpled up in a ball on the kitchen floor. I felt like I had been run over by a big plow truck, which proceeded to throw itself in reverse and run right back over my pitiful little heart. My anxiety was high and my knees were weak. As I lay there feeling completely beaten down to my core, I began to scream. Praise God the kiddos were all playing an epic game of ‘family’ in the basement, because quite frankly if they heard my shrieks they would have thought their momma had completely lost her mind.

As I replayed the painful words that I heard in my head from the voices I loved dearly, I began to cry louder. I hadn’t cried with such intensity in years. I was full on ugly crying, with puffy eyes, swollen red cheeks, and a nose that was draining onto the sleeve of my sweatshirt. I lay there crying and weeping like a toddler out of control. My heart was shattered and all of my inhibitions to stifle my tears were hopeless. I felt pathetic, weak and utterly raw. I would have been mortified if anyone caught me in such intense despair, even my patient hubby who has seen me in all my ugliness.

But this day my good God did not let me sit in my heart wrenching pain alone for very long. Maybe I should repeat that. Did you hear what I said? I didn’t say He took away my pain. In fact no, this pain lingered on for hours, days and weeks to come. I said He did not let me sit in it alone for very long. I lay there crying out to him “Lord, I don’t understand, I’m just trying to be obedient – yet this is what I get? It doesn’t make any sense!” After what felt like days of laying around on my sticky floor, I pulled myself up. I proceeded to find the baby, scooped her up in my arms and took her to her bedroom for a nap.

Once again, I found myself in the quiet solace of a rocking chair, in a dark room with the hush of a soothing sound machine. Nestled in my arms, I nursed the baby and spoke internally to my Lord. “God, I feel broken, utterly broken. My heart feels heavy like a heart shaped slab of concrete that has been CRACKED wide open down the middle!” No sooner had I bellowed these words from the innermost broken chambers of my soul, than our Lord burst through my thoughts with His revealing truth. “But Suzanne it’s through these cracks that you often allow me to enter.” I was flooded with an image. An image that was no longer simply a sad looking pitiful concrete heart cracked in two. Instead, blinding rays of light were entering in through these cracks and pouring out of every other crack, crevice or small opening left behind by the wounds that others, along with myself, have caused my heart over the years.

This truth hit me like a collapsed building worth of bricks. He hadn’t desired my heartache, the painful words I heard, or the sadness that had flooded over me. But He knows me so intimately and revealed that sometimes, just sometimes, it is only through these broken experiences that crack me wide open and force the locked up pieces of my heart to allow Him in.

This experience drew me so close to His tender loving embrace, that I can honestly say (and this is very rare for my weak human nature) that I found a sweet delight in all of my pain. It didn’t remove my gut wrenching heartache, but rather it filled me with an unearthly gratitude for His goodness, and His intimate and tender care. My eyes were wide open and were able to see how this pain that I was completely carried away by had landed me right into my Heavenly Father’s arms. The lack of love I was feeling when my heart felt shattered paled in comparison to the overwhelming love and redeeming grace that He flooded me with.

The next morning, I woke with bloodshot eyes and a fragile, but light filled heart. I was reflecting on all that He had revealed to me the night before, when the baby walked over and started yanking on my sleeve to get my attention. She had recently become so obsessed with wearing as many rosaries around her neck as possible. Minus the potential choking hazard this presents, I thought this habit was simply adorable, but hadn’t given it any further thought.

Pulling on the rosaries around her neck, she proceeded to climb onto the couch next to me. She leaned her sweet little face in front of mine and started tapping on my chest. My distracted train of thought was suddenly broken and I looked at her with curiosity. I found her playing doctor with the rosary beads that were strewn around her neck. She took the crucifix and placed it strategically on my slowly beating heart. I started to giggle. I could sense our Heavenly Father winking down at me in this very moment. She was literally trying to listen to and heal my heart using the crucifix as her stethoscope. I watched as she proceeded to do this to every other person in our household and I began to cry. To no surprise, it was once again a full on ugly cry, tears, snot and all!!!

I had always tried to trust in the truth we hear from Psalms 18:28 “You Lord keep my lamp burning; my God turns my darkness into light.” But had I fully understood to the depths which this extended? No! I hadn’t realized that it is precisely through the crushing weight of the cross that we can actually feel the releasing lightness of His lifting strength.

Our Lord desires to unite himself with us and heal us from our pain, but often, unintentionally, we have all of our stony walls built up so tight that we can not hear or feel him trying to push His way in. He doesn’t want us to suffer, bear the brokenness of this world, or experience the heartache that comes from our own human nature. But we can begin to taste His heavenly delight when we realize that maybe, just maybe, He allows our hearts to break wide open because sometimes it is through these cracks alone that we truly allow him in.

We frequently try to place Band-Aids over our crumpled up stony hearts through distraction or vices. But no Band-Aid has the strength to hold rock together. Yet, our Heavenly Father’s love? That is something entirely different! His light has the burning strength to melt and once again unite the broken pieces of our heart back together . So do not be discouraged when your heart has been cracked and shattered wide open. Instead, have faith and trust in knowing that our Lord is on the other side of the gaping entryway left behind by your pain. He has been waiting, ready to enter and fill your heart with His consuming rays of love!

Seeking Him

The New is Here!

January 3, 2021 2 Comments

Okay folks, here we are, it is 2021. I’m not sure about you but I was pretty confident that we weren’t going to make it out of 2020 unscathed. Sadly, it has been a hard year. People fell ill, financial struggles came roaring in, isolation became burdensome and we lost loved ones to that “darn Corona,” as my four year old daughter so frequently says. It has only been about a year, but it feels like a lifetime, as my almost two year old doesn’t know a world without face masks and buckets of hand sanitizer.

When the enormity of this started last year, my heart found itself in a constant state of racing. Like many, I don’t do well with the unfamiliar, with the uncertainty, with a sense of “will we make it out of this?” Staying home with the same six people every day started to feel suffocating. I adore my family but I began to feel claustrophobic, and my anxiety began to skyrocket. I started to fear the worst. “Lord what is happening? Is the world ending? Will my kids ever visit a library, museum or friend’s house again? Will this disease kill us? Will we ever be able to hug our loved ones? Will we end up in financial ruin? Will my kids begin to live in a world full of fear?

One afternoon, I was sitting in my daughter’s rocking chair, nursing her to sleep. My mind had been racing, with all the possibilities to come. My heart was crying to my Lord, begging for Him to change the course of the state of our current world. Like the good father that He is, He quietly responded. He so tenderly answered my prayers but not in the way I was expecting. He started to quietly whisper into my heart. “I can change things and I will. I can use this pain and heartache to make things beautiful and NEW, if people will just let me. Just wait and see.”

My eyes began to be flooded with visions of families laughing, families sitting together for dinner for the first time in years. I saw people forced to look each other in the eyes, to expose their pains and grievances. I saw veils of what seemed important and urgent falling off of previously blinded eyes. I saw the powerhouse of the family unit being reinvented, brought back to its roots, re-established in a new and beautiful way.

“The people dwelling in darkness have seen a great light.” Isaiah 9:2 couldn’t have been more poignant at this moment. My heart was overwhelmed in seeing that amidst the darkness, pain and fear that our world was living in, God’s overwhelming light can and will make things bright and new, if only we’d allow Him. In the same way that I throw my hands up into the shape of a ‘T’ as a signal to my kiddos that things are getting out of control and we need to take a “time-out”, our Lord allowed the world a needed pause.

Please know that I don’t say this to dismiss the tragedy, heartache and sheer crisis that this horrible coronavirus has caused. Yet, when we can set our hearts in knowing that our Lord is at work, we are able to recognize the light in the darkness. I mean when will you ever be able to say “No” like this ever again? When will the world ever give you an unshaming permission to ignore all seemingly important responsibilities so you can stay home and cuddle your loved ones, or simply spend some much needed and neglected time in prayer? Soccer practice- nope! That urgent meeting with the PTA- nope! That play your kids practiced- nope! The fundraiser event you worked so hard on – nope! The 117th birthday party this year – nope!

All these events are beautiful in and of themselves, yet when we live our lives racing around from one thing to the next, we start to bucket everything as urgent and important. Then sadly, the real urgently important job we have as spouse, parent, daughter, or friend begins to fade to the wayside. We can say running around for all these meetings at our kiddos’ school, are for the children. We can convince ourselves that working 99 hours a week is for our family. We can especially believe the lie that neglecting our family for the sake of our commitments at church is what God desires. Sadly, in a world that has grown to expect nothing less, we can convince ourselves that our busyness is how we love. Yet, when we haven’t had more than three minutes a week to sit face-to-face with the ones that so desperately want us, their eyes often cannot recognize the deep love hidden behind ours.

But it isn’t too late, but rather it is time for something NEW! As we enter this new year, rest your heart, cast aside your fear and know that our Lord desires to restore us to who we were designed and created to be. But let’s be clear here. God did not say all brokenness would be fixed, perfected, or simply disappear through this extra time we’ve had. In fact, in some homes, the mayhem may have only increased, the pain or loneliness only seemed darker, and the fear only stronger. Yet our Lord promised that “He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death’ or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.” Revelation 21:4. Therefore, if we allow Him to move, if we’d invite Him in, if we make space for Him in our homes and specifically our hearts, maybe just maybe he can transform us from a broken and perfection seeking family to a messy and holy family.

No matter where you are on your journey, don’t be discouraged. Whether you are simply starting out your young adult life, or are gazing out towards grandchildren and beyond, it is never too late to let our Lord transform you and make you NEW. When our patterns, habits, or wounds feel unbreakable or unfixable we must not buy into the lie that God doesn’t want to be busy doing something new and astounding within you. Only our unwillingness to receive Him is stopping him. Our Lord assured our weary hearts in Isaiah 43:18 “Forget the former things! Do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a NEW THING!”

So my friends, though I continue to pray unceasingly for an end to this horrible pandemic caused by the “darn Corona,” I will choose to believe that our Lord will bring beauty out of this darkness. I will live in the hope that one day sociologists will look back on this time and reflect on how this undeclared “Time-Out” caused people, and often families, to rethink, re-evaluate and re-establish the way they live. God will be smiling down and giving his people a gentle little wink. So have faith, hope and know that “if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here!” (2 Corinthians 5:17).

~Suzanne Bilodeau

Stillness

Upward Trend

December 21, 2020 5 Comments

Maybe you’ve started putting it together by now, but I am anything but a polished, smooth sailing, always joyful, peaceful hearted woman.

My little tiny spark for our Lord, that was planted by the seeds of faith my family sowed, has turned into a roaring fire ablaze for Him. Yet, somehow even ten years after my deeper conversion into the faith I already had, I still don’t come close to the woman I desire and am called to be.

I do ALL THE THINGS…

I read all the books….

I listen to all the podcasts…

I attend Mass weekly…

I frequent the confessional box…

I run a Bible study at my church and a middle-schooled version for my daughter at our homeschool co-op (shout out to Walking With Purpose – a phenomenal Resource for Bible studies!!)

I set my alarm for 5:45 every morning (don’t panic, most people appreciate sleep but God graced me with lots of energy from the day I was born) and spend the first 30 minutes of every day in prayer and quiet time with our Lord. Though let’s be honest, it usually isn’t quiet, but rather loud with a babe on my boob or a toddler on my lap.

I surround myself with AWESOME women and people all striving and fighting to live out their faith.

So how come I haven’t yet morphed into this fully virtuous woman by now???? Come on God what is taking so long?

I move with a grace on the good days, which runs into weeks of a mellow easiness. I’m able to absorb all the arrows and flames that come roaring at me amidst the beautiful mayhem of daily life. I start to get comfortable and begin to feel like I’ve finally allowed the Lord to mold me into the woman I’m supposed to be. “Alright, Suzanne, look you are finally growing in virtue!”

Then the day comes, when one more overdue bill is too much, one more sibling battle breaks my patience, or one more basket of dirty laundry has me screaming “I will never catch up!!!” Then all this movement towards virtue seems to instantaneously be thrown out the window. I yell, I mope, I stomp and pout at the daily battles of being a wife, homemaker and momma to these little people.

This is when my soul is vulnerable, my fears are exposed and I become the perfect prey for an enemy who loves to whisper lies to my heart. He knows when to pounce, when my self-loathing opens me up to hear his sneaky words. “Look at you, you are pathetic. You aren’t growing at all. Why do you bother? You are still the immature woman you were a decade ago! You certainly haven’t grown in virtue and we sure as all know you’ve been trying, so maybe just hang in the towel and admit you aren’t cut out for this stuff!”

I find myself with the covers pulled over my head and a throbbing heart full of regret and feelings of unworthiness. “I was obedient Lord! I listened to your call on my heart to write and to share! Yet, how can I write words of encouragement, words meant to lead people closer to You, when I can’t come close to being whom you carefully crafted me to be? How can I preach to my kiddos all your ways, all your love, and how we are to share your love by loving others, when I can’t always get this love thing right myself???”

Then through the opening cracks of my sheets I raise my eyes to the heavens and I pray. I pray that God sees my heart, I pray that He knows my fervent yet broken effort to become the wife , the mother, the friend, the WOMAN He has designed me to be. Then slowly He knocks on my boarded up heart and He starts to chip away. He gently and so tenderly reminds me of a promise He so clearly made in Ezekiel 36:26, which says “I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh.” I hear this promise and I breathe in heavy and I cry “But I don’t see it Lord! I’m still failing daily!!!” Then like the gentleman that He is, He gently flashes an image in front of my weary eyes and …I …exhale.

The image of a line graph over His sacred heart. A line graph of my efforts over the years of crawling towards the greater height that Christ has called me, called all of us. I see my recent state, a dip, a pretty big treacherous dip downward and I look back and see dips all over the place. But that isn’t what settles in. The idea that I come crashing down often doesn’t discourage my weak and exposed heart in this moment, because what He allows me to focus on is the bigger picture: the upward trend. “My sweet daughter, look at the journey I’ve taken you on. Though it pains me to see you fall in a valley of anger, a pit of impatience, or a dip of self-loathing, I never told you that your heart would be made new overnight. Yet, in cooperation with me I will slowly move your heart upwards.”

It’s a message I need to remind myself all the time. When the days and weeks come plowing through like a turbulent snow storm, times when I am far away from living out my life virtuously, I rest on His promises. I pick myself up, dust myself off, apologize to those I’ve hurt, especially my tender Lord, and try to climb up that rocky mountainous line again.

We will never reach the top of this mountain while still here in this broken world, for our souls will not reach their perfect heights until we are united with Christ. But in the meantime friends, we must not be discouraged and never let the world tell us to throw in the towel! For our Lord has great plans for us, if only we’d allow His merciful heart to carry us out of the trenches that we often stumble down into. As St. Paul reminds my fragile heart often, I will also remind all of you that “I am confident of this, that He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.” Philippians 1:6

~Suzanne Bilodeau