He Enters Through Our Cracks

Alright friends, I’m going to get pretty raw and real here.  I had a soul stamping experience a few weeks ago that may be hard to articulate, explain or even resonate with. Yet I can feel the Lord literally pushing my fingers to type away, so here goes nothing:

I was crumpled up in a ball on the kitchen floor. I felt like I had been run over by a big plow truck, which proceeded to throw itself in reverse and run right back over my pitiful little heart. My anxiety was high and my knees were weak. As I lay there feeling completely beaten down to my core, I began to scream. Praise God the kiddos were all playing an epic game of ‘family’ in the basement, because quite frankly if they heard my shrieks they would have thought their momma had completely lost her mind. 

As I replayed the painful words that I heard in my head from the voices I loved dearly, I began to cry louder. I hadn’t cried with such intensity in years. I was full on ugly crying, with puffy eyes, swollen red cheeks, and a nose that was draining onto the sleeve of my sweatshirt. I lay there crying and weeping like a toddler out of control. My heart was shattered and all of my inhibitions to stifle my tears were hopeless. I felt pathetic, weak and utterly raw. I would have been mortified if anyone caught me in such intense despair, even my patient hubby who has seen me in all my ugliness. 

But this day my good God did not let me sit in my heart wrenching pain alone for very long. Maybe I should repeat that. Did you hear what I said? I didn’t say He took away my pain. In fact no, this pain lingered on for hours, days and weeks to come. I said He did not let me sit in it alone for very long. I lay there crying out to him “Lord, I don’t understand, I’m just trying to be obedient – yet this is what I get? It doesn’t make any sense!” After what felt like days of laying around on my sticky floor, I pulled myself up. I proceeded to find the baby, scooped her up in my arms and took her to her bedroom for a nap.

Once again, I found myself in the quiet solace of a rocking chair, in a dark room with the hush of a soothing sound machine. Nestled in my arms, I nursed the baby and spoke internally to my Lord. “God, I feel broken, utterly broken. My heart feels heavy like a heart shaped slab of concrete that has been CRACKED wide open down the middle!” No sooner had I bellowed these words from the innermost broken chambers of my soul, than our Lord burst through my thoughts with His revealing truth. “But Suzanne it’s through these cracks that you often allow me to enter.” I was flooded with an image. An image that was no longer simply a sad looking pitiful concrete heart cracked in two. Instead, blinding rays of light were entering in through these cracks and pouring out of every other crack, crevice or small opening left behind by the wounds that others, along with myself, have caused my heart over the years. 

This truth hit me like a collapsed building worth of bricks. He hadn’t desired my heartache, the painful words I heard, or the sadness that had flooded over me. But He knows me so intimately and revealed that sometimes, just sometimes, it is only through these broken experiences that crack me wide open and force the locked up pieces of my heart to allow Him in.

This experience drew me so close to His tender loving embrace, that I can honestly say (and this is very rare for my weak human nature) that I found a sweet delight in all of my pain. It didn’t remove my gut wrenching heartache, but rather it filled me with an unearthly gratitude for His goodness, and His intimate and tender care. My eyes were wide open and were able to see how this pain that I was completely carried away by had landed me right into my Heavenly Father’s arms. The lack of love I was feeling when my heart felt shattered paled in comparison to the overwhelming love and redeeming grace that He flooded me with. 

The next morning, I woke with bloodshot eyes and a fragile, but light filled heart. I was reflecting on all that He had revealed to me the night before, when the baby walked over and started yanking on my sleeve to get my attention. She had recently become so obsessed with wearing as many rosaries around her neck as possible. Minus the potential choking hazard this presents, I thought this habit was simply adorable, but hadn’t given it any further thought. 

Pulling on the rosaries around her neck, she proceeded to climb onto the couch next to me. She leaned her sweet little face in front of mine and started tapping on my chest. My distracted train of thought was suddenly broken and I looked at her with curiosity. I found her playing doctor with the rosary beads that were strewn around her neck. She took the crucifix and placed it strategically on my slowly beating heart. I started to giggle. I could sense our Heavenly Father winking down at me in this very moment. She was literally trying to listen to and heal my heart using the crucifix as her stethoscope. I watched as she proceeded to do this to every other person in our household and I began to cry. To no surprise, it was once again a full on ugly cry, tears, snot and all!!! 

I had always tried to trust in the truth we hear from Psalms 18:28 “You Lord keep my lamp burning; my God turns my darkness into light.” But had I fully understood to the depths which this extended? No! I hadn’t realized that it is precisely through the crushing weight of the cross that we can actually feel the releasing lightness of His lifting strength.  

Our Lord desires to unite himself with us and heal us from our pain, but often, unintentionally, we have all of our stony walls built up so tight that we can not hear or feel him trying to push His way in. He doesn’t want us to suffer, bear the brokenness of this world, or experience the heartache that comes from our own human nature. But we can begin to taste His heavenly delight when we realize that maybe, just maybe, He allows our hearts to break wide open because sometimes it is through these cracks alone that we truly allow him in. 

We frequently try to place Band-Aids over our crumpled up stony hearts through distraction or vices. But no Band-Aid has the strength to hold rock together. Yet, our Heavenly Father’s love? That is something entirely different! His light has the burning strength to melt and once again unite the broken pieces of our heart back together . So do not be discouraged when your heart has been cracked and shattered wide open. Instead, have faith and trust in knowing that our Lord is on the other side of the gaping entryway left behind by your pain. He has been waiting, ready to enter and fill your heart with His consuming rays of love!