“Because I Love You”

It is funny because I had already drafted up a blog post for this week. Being in the depths of our Lenten Series for our Latte and Laundry Podcast on Identity in Christ, I was inspired to do a write-up on who we are, which often includes debunking the lies of who we have falsely believed we are. I wanted to share with everyone the gift and beauty of realizing that first and foremost we are beloved children of God, known before we were even conceived, forgiven and redeemed by the price of His precious blood, and called to be light bearers of His ever-burning rays of love. 

But God is funny like that. I can set up my words, lay out the entire outline, plan my next move and He can come in and crumble it down to the ground for His greater purpose. “Yes,” He so sweetly whispers into my heart, “an identity rooted in ME, is essential to the Christian walk of faith. Yes, people absolutely need to be reminded of these truths! Yet, this is why I have called you to speak about it on the podcast. But here, no sweet girl. Here, in the carefully woven words strung from your heart, here I ask you to speak on FEAR and TRUST.” 

Six months ago, I started waking up with tingling arms and a racing heart. I was sent to a cardiologist, who did a thorough work up on my heart and found that my heart looked perfect (at least from a physical sense). It was there that the cardiologist said that my tingling arms were more indicative of neurological concerns, not cardiovascular. So on I moved to see a neurologist who seemed only mildly concerned with my minor symptoms. He wanted to do an MRI of my brain and neck to rule out any lesions or pinched nerves. 

With horrible insurance that would NOT cover the expense of any of it, we decided to hold off on further testing. My doctor said he didn’t see any urgency in getting an MRI done because my symptoms were so mild. But fast forward a few months, my symptoms and worry began to spread. I now began experiencing tingling legs and feet, often when I was out on my daily run. I woke one morning with numbness on one side of my face, blurry vision and pressure behind one eye that persisted for days. 

I likely would have continued to be an optimist as the symptoms progressed until I remembered something that opened the doors for FEAR and DARKNESS to rear their nasty heads into my heart and mind. I realized that the one thing the neurologist wanted to rule out on my brain, was the very same thing that doctors saw present years ago. Six years before this, when I was hospitalized with a horrible case of Lyme disease the doctors found something on my brain. They found evidence of damage on my brain that they couldn’t explain away. Being engulfed in the current emergency of my health, the doctors never pursued it and I never followed up. 

Here I sat with blurry vision, numb face and a tingling leg, overcome with an indescribable fear. Words like “lesions”, “multiple sclerosis” and “peripheral neuropathy” began to cloud my thinking. I looked out onto my five young kids suddenly overwhelmed with a sense that life could change. 

Scheduling my MRI became more difficult than I expected, so getting a fast answer to all the swirling questions would have to wait. This deep aching fear became debilitating for the weeks that followed. I became consumed with all the what ifs. 

Could this be something serious?

Will I ultimately be disabled?

Can I continue to homeschool my children as I assumed I would be able to?

How can I be the wife and mom I planned to be, if I am no longer who I thought I’d be?

Under all of these consuming fears, there was still this hidden peace, a quiet beating truth placed on my heart. I couldn’t hear it at first because the voices telling me to BE AFRAID were so darn loud. But soon, I began to quiet the echoing vibrations of all the fear and my Lord’s voice came plowing through. 

“Suzanne, don’t you know I’m not limited by sickness or health, hours or days, difficulties or ease? I’m not confined by the plans you’ve made? Do you trust me?”

Then Romans 8:28 hit me. “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him.”

If I love my good God so deeply, and know that His plans are greater than mine, what is there to fear? How can I not trust that He will work everything for my good? 

Jeremiah 29:11 so infamously says: “For I know the plans that I have for you,’ declares the Lord, ‘plans for welfare and not for calamity to give you a future and a hope.” WAIT-I needed to take a closer look at this. It doesn’t say “For I know the plans you have”, but rather it is His plans for me that He has declared are for my welfare and for a hope. 

This started to penetrate my heart, but it wasn’t until attending a live stations of the cross rehearsal for my children this past Friday that I was fully pierced with this truth. I was watching the young man, chosen to play Christ, carrying his heavy wooden cross. As I stared in awe and amazement of all our Lord did for us I was suddenly struck with an image of Christ himself. He was beaten, and bloody and walking the steps of Calvary while under the crushing weight of the cross that we placed upon him. I found myself in the crowd staring at Jesus Christ himself, when suddenly His eyes locked with mine and from His lips He gently whispered with all the energy He could muster “Because I love you.”

I was suddenly overwhelmed with the truth of how much our God not only loves all of us, but how much he loves ME. Letting this truth sink into the depths of my soul, instantly shredded the fear I was experiencing. 

The Bible says  Do Not Fear 365 times. It is no coincidence that it is said one time for every day of the year. Our God knows our weak human nature. He knows that fully laying our trust and lives into His hands will be no easy task. So He gently and patiently speaks this truth over and over throughout His living word. He literally provides us a reminder to live EACH and EVERY day fearlessly. 

My MRI is scheduled for the day before this blog post comes out. I still don’t know what my future may hold. Yet, my fear has been wiped away, as I have a new renown sense of hope through trusting God’s intense love for me; not a hope of health, not a hope of goals to be accomplished, but a hope in knowing that God’s plans are and will always be greater than mine. 

~Suzanne Bilodeau