Perfectly Mine

Okay, where are my fellow perfectionists at? The ones who feel an angst when your home isn’t clean enough, your kiddos aren’t behaving well enough, your marriage isn’t thriving enough, or your day wasn’t productive enough. “Be a better homemaker” you say. “Love them better” you cry. “Read more books on marriage” you conclude. “You better try harder and tomorrow you will get more done” you sigh. 

I’m not sure what drove this intense need to be perfect, but it was so incredibly consuming that there were days that it only left behind destruction in its wake. Sadly, competition was the driving force behind this need for perfection. Yet, the funny thing was that it didn’t come from wanting to out-mow my neighbor, out-bake my friends or out-do my family members. Instead, I was in a long term never-ending deep competition with the woman who stared back at me in the mirror. 

However, this destructive wall of perfectionism was slowly crumbling away as I began to find rest in our Lord. St. Therese says it perfectly, “Let us go forward in peace, our eyes upon heaven, the only one goal of our labors.” Heaven is the only goal! As I started moving more towards our Lord, I began walking further away from this disordered need for perfection. I was slowly finding rest in His loving gaze and my heart’s priorities began to shift. What’s ironic is that the less I strived for perfection, the closer I probably stumbled towards it (though still beyond miles away).

I thought I was slowly sewing up the wounds from the aftermath of this brokenness. Then all of this started. The blogging, the podcasting, and all the sharing of the intimate parts of my heart. Then the enemy saw me, had eyes set upon his prey and began to move. It wasn’t even words said by anyone that led to this new sense of needing to be perfect, instead it was my own inner spiral that began to cloud my vision. But the funny thing is that my need for perfection tends to move about with the gaping swing of a pendulum! One moment I go from rapidly moving with a haste to complete all my tasks to feeling a heavy sense of depleted weariness in the next. 

Years ago, I remember watching a car commercial that stung me deeply. Their message tried to convince the consumer that their cars are always improving.  In order to sell this line they talked about the dangers of success and proclaimed that “If you think you’ve done your best, aim higher. You can always be faster, or smarter, or stronger. Keep reaching beyond your best, because better is a never-ending quest!” At face value this may seem like an awesome high five to all the motivational speakers out there. Yet, as I looked down at my kiddos I remember feeling a deep ache about the message that this was sending. This idea that nothing will ever be good enough, but instead we must always try harder, achieve greater, climb higher, and leap further. This commercial was playing straight into the destructive message that tells us that we must never rest, as there is always so much more in this world you should be trying to conquer. Yet, the lack of resting in the current moment, for which our Lord has placed us in, is exactly what leads to the restless, broken and suicidal nature of our western culture. 

When we believe the lie that nothing is ever enough, we start to place our entire worth and attention on all that is waiting to be accomplished, or needing to be improved. In doing this, we begin to pile up dirty layers of gook upon the windows of our souls. We can no longer clearly see out towards all that is beautiful and true, while simultaneously blocking others from seeing into the depths of who we really are.

Unfortunately, when we feel the weight placed upon our shoulders by the task oriented world, we usually do one of two things; we either grab some extra dumbbells of perfectionism and toss them onto our backs or we grow weary and defeated and raise our white flags. This is where I found myself recently. My perfectionism had been on overdrive, it overheated, weariness and smoke began to billow about. Right there in the corner of my crumb filled kitchen I blew up the engine of my soul. Why bother? What does it all matter I concluded? I’m too exhausted! I’m sick and tired of trying so hard! 

I crawled my way to adoration one day and sat before our Lord. I was weary and I was heavy. Even under the dark cloud of defeat, I could sense our Lord’s tender hand upon my heart. “I never asked you to be perfect, I simply asked you TO BE MINE”. I suddenly felt like I dropped 100 pounds. My shoulders were light and my heart was slow. We hear God saying in Proverbs 23:26, “My son, give me your heart, and let your eyes observe my ways.” Though He wants us to crawl our way towards sainthood, Our Lord isn’t waiting for our perfectly tidied homes, our polished resumes or our Instagram worthy pictures. Instead, the King of the world simply wants US, PERIOD! He is waiting for us to surrender our hearts, our minds and our entire selves to Him! 

Only God himself can fully break our chains of perfection and provide us with His heavenly peace. So place your heart in His hands and trust that He will lead your way. We were promised in Isaiah 26:3 that, “You will keep in PERFECT peace those whose minds are steadfast because they trust you.” So rest easy, as the Lord himself is the saving grace that our perfection-seeking selves need. He is the newly opened bottle of Windex for the windows of our soul. Let Him come in, wipe away the disordered beliefs and all the gook of your brokenness and let Him gently whisper into your newly cleansed soul, “No you are not perfect, but that’s okay because you are perfectly mine.”

~Suzanne