“Relinquish your control to me and I will set you free.” It’s a message He has placed deep in my heart for weeks, months and years. My tightly wound, I-could-do-it-better, Type A personality just doesn’t know how to let go of control. My mind curtails from controlling one thing to the next. Napkins should be folded as triangles not rectangles for dinner. You shouldn’t wear that sweater, it doesn’t match. Did you ask to eat that apple? No you can’t use my washer and dryer because I still have clothes strategically hiding in there that I have yet to address.

I find myself trying to thrust control onto the adorable faces that greet me each morning, at the exhausted, yet gracious man I fall asleep next to, and in almost every other relationship I have! My relationship with money- I control it, with food-I control it, with people -I control it! Move quicker, move slower, talk louder, much quieter, write more, say less, we need to buy that, stop spending all our money!

No woman started off as a tender curious little girl dreaming that one day she would exert control over every facet of her life. Yet, many of us learn early on, that when life seems broken and out of control, that we can find a disordered calm by taking things into our own hands. That quickly leaks into all corners, big and small, of our lives and we start to flounder in a puddle of utter self-reliance. From within the depths of control we are often blind to how incredibly exhausting and taxing this role of self-dependency really is. We not only run ourselves dry by researching and acting hastily upon every concern we have, but we seem to never have enough time to address all those things that we have deemed worthy and necessary of our control. We are treading water in this stormy battle to grasp control of our world around us. 

Then sadly, when the rare moments happen where nothing needs fixing, tending to, or addressing we often find our souls subconsciously more restless than ever. No wonder I frequently experienced the most debilitating migraines during vacations or times of intentional nothingness. If we don’t have something TO CONTROL we often feel very OUT OF CONTROL. What an exhausting way to move through our days!

This reality of my disordered need to control became even more ironically apparent as I started to formulate this blog. Months ago I heard God calling me to start writing, which in turn inspired Latte and Laundry. “Awesome God, I got you ! I heard your message and now I’m going to, in typical Suzanne fashion, dig my controlling hands all into this!!” Trying to be more than prepared to launch a blog, especially when I feel the pressure of squeezing it in between caring for and homeschooling five little ones, I somehow ended up believing I needed to store up a pile of posts ready to throw out to the world on demand. I found myself typing away uninspired letters and words, one after the other. He then suddenly stopped me in what I believed to be my perfectly lined up tracks. He reminded me that He has called me to be a vessel FOR HIM to use in order share His incomparable, unconditional, and unwavering love with the world. He has not called me to plan out every move, every angle, every word. “I will move you, but you need to get out of the way so I can,” He says.

Why do I always insist on reigning over every aspect of my world, when the God of the universe not only keeps the stars shining and the waters flowing, but also keeps my heart pumping, lungs breathing and fingers typing. Proverbs 16:9 reminds us that “The heart of man plans his way, but the Lord establishes his steps.” For those of us who struggle in the uncertainty, the plans unmade, the heartache unfixed, the laundry unfolded, it can be almost painful to not take swift and immediate action. Yet, sometimes it is precisely in the depths of that uncertainty that our Lord is waiting to draw us near, to meet us, and to deliver us into an unearthly freedom that comes from placing our trust in Him with total abandonment. But when we move with a haste full of control we reveal our hidden lack of trust in our Lord. I can say and believe that I trust my Heavenly Father, but my squirmy hands, spinning mind and restless heart speak truth of the depths of my soul.

Recently, God tenderly revealed something to my tightly wound heart. “I NEVER ASKED YOU TO BE IN CONTROL.” I’ve walked around carrying what felt like the weight of the world on my heavy burdened shoulders, yet this was not His design. This is the result of a broken, fallen world. But what incredible hope, comfort and utter relief there is when we realize that God NEVER ASKED US to control every movement of the world around us, but rather He – our sovereign God – is in control! Every breath we take, dish we wash, shirt we fold, tear we wipe, word we write, or plan we unfold is only possible through the gracious gift of our Lord.

As I move with infant steps towards living with this new sense of understanding to let go of control and give Him the reigns, I have experienced a new sense of peace that nothing of this earth has come close to touching within the depths of my soul. When we no longer respond with a panic, a need to fix, or an “it’s all on me” inner belief, but rather look to the heavens and remind ourselves “We know You’ve got this God” the weight of the situation, big or small, starts to slowly peel off our shoulders. Then something remarkable begins to happen. This inner tranquility starts to actually remove our concern for whatever earthly outcome unfolds. Did you hear what I said? WHATEVER OUTCOME. What?!?! Yes it’s true! There is no greater FREEDOM that comes than laying our lives at the foot of the cross, abandoning ourselves to the Lord, and letting Him take the lead. God assured us in 2 Corinthians 3:17, “Where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom!”

To actually lose emotional attachment to which twist or turn our life takes and to no longer feel the angst to solve every problem because we invite Him in and KNOW He is in control, produces a powerful, unmatchable, untouchable, and OUT OF CONTROL FREEDOM! We are all on this journey, I will fall and my controlling way will peak its nasty head into my day. But when we relinquish our need to control, a softness, slowness and quietness takes over, which allows us to move with an untouchable grace. Specifically, our Lord placed this new prayer on my heart, “Lord, break me from this need to control. Free me from this bondage. Soften my face, quiet my voice and let me rush for nothing at all.” Living this out is far from easy for me and I’m often fumbling on my way to lifting it to the heavens. Yet, I have begun to lean heavily on this prayer as I climb my way back out of the trenches and up towards our Lord after a clumsy trip of distrust or anxious fall of needing to control.

So my friends, when we fall, and we will fall, we must pick ourselves up, look to the heavens, and get out of the way, so we may once again experience this beautiful and dare I say out of control freedom!

~Suzanne Bilodeau

 

 

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