Letting Go

Selfishly Selfless

Published on by Suzanne Bilodeau



There is a door being slammed all around us. A door that the “take care of me” culture has slowly been using to keep IT out. They shove it in a closet, lock the door and throw away the key. What is IT that has become so hard to be an ever-part of our lives and homes? SELFLESSNESS. 

In fact, it is something I’ve seen take a back seat lately, and felt an explosion roaring up from the bottom of my soul. I’ve watched husbands, after 30 years of marriage, walk out with no plans of ever returning. I’ve witnessed mothers suddenly turn their hearts and time away from the kids they once raised. I’ve seen young couples depleted with weariness, ready to throw in the towel because marriage doesn’t seem as glamorous as they once imagined. I’ve heard men and women alike fuss and fight because they are simply just too tired of serving. Admittedly, I can be one of those women.

I don’t always feel like living selflessly for others. Sometimes I merely want to sit sipping my coffee, scrolling my phone, or reading a good book. I don’t want to get up and make them breakfast and start getting out the school books. I don’t always feel like waking up in the night to tend to a fussy baby and I certainly don’t always feel like changing the diapers or scrubbing the toilets. I don’t always want to compromise with a spouse, or listen to everyone else’s ideas. Sometimes I simply want life to go as conveniently and easy as possible. 

The days move in a never-ending cycle of service; cook, clean, work, discipline, fold, wash, brush, bed, and repeat. The routine and daily grind of living our lives serving the children, the spouses, the friends, and the family can be utterly draining.  It isn’t easy, in fact it can be darn near possible, to live the life that God has called us to. 

In a world where so much focus is placed on doing whatever makes us happy, the enemy can sneakily breathe lies into our hearts. We can start to believe we’ve been given the short end of the stick, that we’ve been serving for far too long, and now “It is time I put myself first.”

But, putting our own wants and desires aside for the good of serving another is one of the greatest and most fulfilling, while also the most difficult, callings of human life. Yet, this is exactly why the creator of the stars and seas created us. We were made to know Him, to love Him, and to serve Him in this life, and to be happy with Him forever in the next. We most beautifully love and serve him through loving and serving others. 


In fact, this is precisely what God came to show us how to do. The Son of Man, who was born into the fullness of selfless love itself – the family, lived out his earthly ministry by serving others. Mark reminds us that “Even the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many.”  Mark 10:45  

But still, we are weak and broken, and this selfless kind of love will not always be easy. Recently, I found myself about to speak to a number of people regarding the calling of dying to ourselves, and living our lives as selfless fountains of love, being poured out for the good of others. But then, before I even opened my mouth, I heard God whisper into my heart two simple words, “Selfishly selfless.” I was suddenly flooded with the reality of how one’s life looks when they live merely for themselves versus living for others. 

This is something I think we as a modern culture should pay very close attention to. We all want joy and happiness, and we often search for this by seeking out ways to meet our needs. Yet, when we live only for ourselves, we run the risk of breaking hearts and homes, including and most especially our OWN. 

Marriages become tumultuous and relationships become strained. When our greatest priority is ourselves, we end up far from the joy filled life we were SO desperately seeking. 

In fact, it is surprisingly ironic, yet powerfully true, that if we pay close attention to our greatest needs, desires, and hopes for joy and happiness, then living a life of selflessness is one of the most beautifully selfish things we can do.  When we pour ourselves out in selflessness by loving, doting and tending to those that Christ has laid in our path, we bear more joy producing fruit in our own lives than we could have expected; the thriving marriage, the secure and joy filled children, the underlying peace. Whereas, living solely for oneself usually leads to broken marriages and strained relationships, which carries around the dark heavy cloud of pain and anguish. 


Will we be free of pain by living selflessly? Certainly not! Yet, God gives us the framework for a life overflowing with His eternal joy. He tells us of the beautiful consequences of pouring ourselves out for the sake of another. He says “Give and it will be given to you. A good measure, pressed down, shaken together and running over, will be poured into your lap.” (Luke 6:38)

Although  we are not called to serve with the motive of selfish demands, God tells us that by living a life of selflessness we will in fact most perfectly set ourselves up to meet our heart’s most beautiful desires. So when we find ourselves exhausted, weary or resentful for having to fold one more piece of clothing, wash one more dish, or show up for one more day for work, maybe just maybe, we can remember that living selflessly is actually one of the most beautifully selfish things we can do!








Perfectly Mine

Published on by Suzanne Bilodeau

Okay, where are my fellow perfectionists at? The ones who feel an angst when your home isn’t clean enough, your kiddos aren’t behaving well enough, your marriage isn’t thriving enough, or your day wasn’t productive enough. “Be a better homemaker” you say. “Love them better” you cry. “Read more books on marriage” you conclude. “You better try harder and tomorrow you will get more done” you sigh. 

I’m not sure what drove this intense need to be perfect, but it was so incredibly consuming that there were days that it only left behind destruction in its wake. Sadly, competition was the driving force behind this need for perfection. Yet, the funny thing was that it didn’t come from wanting to out-mow my neighbor, out-bake my friends or out-do my family members. Instead, I was in a long term never-ending deep competition with the woman who stared back at me in the mirror. 

However, this destructive wall of perfectionism was slowly crumbling away as I began to find rest in our Lord. St. Therese says it perfectly, “Let us go forward in peace, our eyes upon heaven, the only one goal of our labors.” Heaven is the only goal! As I started moving more towards our Lord, I began walking further away from this disordered need for perfection. I was slowly finding rest in His loving gaze and my heart’s priorities began to shift. What’s ironic is that the less I strived for perfection, the closer I probably stumbled towards it (though still beyond miles away).

I thought I was slowly sewing up the wounds from the aftermath of this brokenness. Then all of this started. The blogging, the podcasting, and all the sharing of the intimate parts of my heart. Then the enemy saw me, had eyes set upon his prey and began to move. It wasn’t even words said by anyone that led to this new sense of needing to be perfect, instead it was my own inner spiral that began to cloud my vision. But the funny thing is that my need for perfection tends to move about with the gaping swing of a pendulum! One moment I go from rapidly moving with a haste to complete all my tasks to feeling a heavy sense of depleted weariness in the next. 

Years ago, I remember watching a car commercial that stung me deeply. Their message tried to convince the consumer that their cars are always improving.  In order to sell this line they talked about the dangers of success and proclaimed that “If you think you’ve done your best, aim higher. You can always be faster, or smarter, or stronger. Keep reaching beyond your best, because better is a never-ending quest!” At face value this may seem like an awesome high five to all the motivational speakers out there. Yet, as I looked down at my kiddos I remember feeling a deep ache about the message that this was sending. This idea that nothing will ever be good enough, but instead we must always try harder, achieve greater, climb higher, and leap further. This commercial was playing straight into the destructive message that tells us that we must never rest, as there is always so much more in this world you should be trying to conquer. Yet, the lack of resting in the current moment, for which our Lord has placed us in, is exactly what leads to the restless, broken and suicidal nature of our western culture. 

When we believe the lie that nothing is ever enough, we start to place our entire worth and attention on all that is waiting to be accomplished, or needing to be improved. In doing this, we begin to pile up dirty layers of gook upon the windows of our souls. We can no longer clearly see out towards all that is beautiful and true, while simultaneously blocking others from seeing into the depths of who we really are.

Unfortunately, when we feel the weight placed upon our shoulders by the task oriented world, we usually do one of two things; we either grab some extra dumbbells of perfectionism and toss them onto our backs or we grow weary and defeated and raise our white flags. This is where I found myself recently. My perfectionism had been on overdrive, it overheated, weariness and smoke began to billow about. Right there in the corner of my crumb filled kitchen I blew up the engine of my soul. Why bother? What does it all matter I concluded? I’m too exhausted! I’m sick and tired of trying so hard! 

I crawled my way to adoration one day and sat before our Lord. I was weary and I was heavy. Even under the dark cloud of defeat, I could sense our Lord’s tender hand upon my heart. “I never asked you to be perfect, I simply asked you TO BE MINE”. I suddenly felt like I dropped 100 pounds. My shoulders were light and my heart was slow. We hear God saying in Proverbs 23:26, “My son, give me your heart, and let your eyes observe my ways.” Though He wants us to crawl our way towards sainthood, Our Lord isn’t waiting for our perfectly tidied homes, our polished resumes or our Instagram worthy pictures. Instead, the King of the world simply wants US, PERIOD! He is waiting for us to surrender our hearts, our minds and our entire selves to Him! 

Only God himself can fully break our chains of perfection and provide us with His heavenly peace. So place your heart in His hands and trust that He will lead your way. We were promised in Isaiah 26:3 that, “You will keep in PERFECT peace those whose minds are steadfast because they trust you.” So rest easy, as the Lord himself is the saving grace that our perfection-seeking selves need. He is the newly opened bottle of Windex for the windows of our soul. Let Him come in, wipe away the disordered beliefs and all the gook of your brokenness and let Him gently whisper into your newly cleansed soul, “No you are not perfect, but that’s okay because you are perfectly mine.”

~Suzanne 

“Because I Love You”

Published on by Suzanne Bilodeau

It is funny because I had already drafted up a blog post for this week. Being in the depths of our Lenten Series for our Latte and Laundry Podcast on Identity in Christ, I was inspired to do a write-up on who we are, which often includes debunking the lies of who we have falsely believed we are. I wanted to share with everyone the gift and beauty of realizing that first and foremost we are beloved children of God, known before we were even conceived, forgiven and redeemed by the price of His precious blood, and called to be light bearers of His ever-burning rays of love. 

But God is funny like that. I can set up my words, lay out the entire outline, plan my next move and He can come in and crumble it down to the ground for His greater purpose. “Yes,” He so sweetly whispers into my heart, “an identity rooted in ME, is essential to the Christian walk of faith. Yes, people absolutely need to be reminded of these truths! Yet, this is why I have called you to speak about it on the podcast. But here, no sweet girl. Here, in the carefully woven words strung from your heart, here I ask you to speak on FEAR and TRUST.” 

Six months ago, I started waking up with tingling arms and a racing heart. I was sent to a cardiologist, who did a thorough work up on my heart and found that my heart looked perfect (at least from a physical sense). It was there that the cardiologist said that my tingling arms were more indicative of neurological concerns, not cardiovascular. So on I moved to see a neurologist who seemed only mildly concerned with my minor symptoms. He wanted to do an MRI of my brain and neck to rule out any lesions or pinched nerves. 

With horrible insurance that would NOT cover the expense of any of it, we decided to hold off on further testing. My doctor said he didn’t see any urgency in getting an MRI done because my symptoms were so mild. But fast forward a few months, my symptoms and worry began to spread. I now began experiencing tingling legs and feet, often when I was out on my daily run. I woke one morning with numbness on one side of my face, blurry vision and pressure behind one eye that persisted for days. 

I likely would have continued to be an optimist as the symptoms progressed until I remembered something that opened the doors for FEAR and DARKNESS to rear their nasty heads into my heart and mind. I realized that the one thing the neurologist wanted to rule out on my brain, was the very same thing that doctors saw present years ago. Six years before this, when I was hospitalized with a horrible case of Lyme disease the doctors found something on my brain. They found evidence of damage on my brain that they couldn’t explain away. Being engulfed in the current emergency of my health, the doctors never pursued it and I never followed up. 

Here I sat with blurry vision, numb face and a tingling leg, overcome with an indescribable fear. Words like “lesions”, “multiple sclerosis” and “peripheral neuropathy” began to cloud my thinking. I looked out onto my five young kids suddenly overwhelmed with a sense that life could change. 

Scheduling my MRI became more difficult than I expected, so getting a fast answer to all the swirling questions would have to wait. This deep aching fear became debilitating for the weeks that followed. I became consumed with all the what ifs. 

Could this be something serious?

Will I ultimately be disabled?

Can I continue to homeschool my children as I assumed I would be able to?

How can I be the wife and mom I planned to be, if I am no longer who I thought I’d be?

Under all of these consuming fears, there was still this hidden peace, a quiet beating truth placed on my heart. I couldn’t hear it at first because the voices telling me to BE AFRAID were so darn loud. But soon, I began to quiet the echoing vibrations of all the fear and my Lord’s voice came plowing through. 

“Suzanne, don’t you know I’m not limited by sickness or health, hours or days, difficulties or ease? I’m not confined by the plans you’ve made? Do you trust me?”

Then Romans 8:28 hit me. “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him.”

If I love my good God so deeply, and know that His plans are greater than mine, what is there to fear? How can I not trust that He will work everything for my good? 

Jeremiah 29:11 so infamously says: “For I know the plans that I have for you,’ declares the Lord, ‘plans for welfare and not for calamity to give you a future and a hope.” WAIT-I needed to take a closer look at this. It doesn’t say “For I know the plans you have”, but rather it is His plans for me that He has declared are for my welfare and for a hope. 

This started to penetrate my heart, but it wasn’t until attending a live stations of the cross rehearsal for my children this past Friday that I was fully pierced with this truth. I was watching the young man, chosen to play Christ, carrying his heavy wooden cross. As I stared in awe and amazement of all our Lord did for us I was suddenly struck with an image of Christ himself. He was beaten, and bloody and walking the steps of Calvary while under the crushing weight of the cross that we placed upon him. I found myself in the crowd staring at Jesus Christ himself, when suddenly His eyes locked with mine and from His lips He gently whispered with all the energy He could muster “Because I love you.”

I was suddenly overwhelmed with the truth of how much our God not only loves all of us, but how much he loves ME. Letting this truth sink into the depths of my soul, instantly shredded the fear I was experiencing. 

The Bible says  Do Not Fear 365 times. It is no coincidence that it is said one time for every day of the year. Our God knows our weak human nature. He knows that fully laying our trust and lives into His hands will be no easy task. So He gently and patiently speaks this truth over and over throughout His living word. He literally provides us a reminder to live EACH and EVERY day fearlessly. 

My MRI is scheduled for the day before this blog post comes out. I still don’t know what my future may hold. Yet, my fear has been wiped away, as I have a new renown sense of hope through trusting God’s intense love for me; not a hope of health, not a hope of goals to be accomplished, but a hope in knowing that God’s plans are and will always be greater than mine. 

~Suzanne Bilodeau

Out of Control Freedom

Published on by Suzanne Bilodeau

“Relinquish your control to me and I will set you free.” It’s a message He has placed deep in my heart for weeks, months and years. My tightly wound, I-could-do-it-better, Type A personality just doesn’t know how to let go of control. My mind curtails from controlling one thing to the next. Napkins should be folded as triangles not rectangles for dinner. You shouldn’t wear that sweater, it doesn’t match. Did you ask to eat that apple? No you can’t use my washer and dryer because I still have clothes strategically hiding in there that I have yet to address.

I find myself trying to thrust control onto the adorable faces that greet me each morning, at the exhausted, yet gracious man I fall asleep next to, and in almost every other relationship I have! My relationship with money- I control it, with food-I control it, with people -I control it! Move quicker, move slower, talk louder, much quieter, write more, say less, we need to buy that, stop spending all our money!

No woman started off as a tender curious little girl dreaming that one day she would exert control over every facet of her life. Yet, many of us learn early on, that when life seems broken and out of control, that we can find a disordered calm by taking things into our own hands. That quickly leaks into all corners, big and small, of our lives and we start to flounder in a puddle of utter self-reliance. From within the depths of control we are often blind to how incredibly exhausting and taxing this role of self-dependency really is. We not only run ourselves dry by researching and acting hastily upon every concern we have, but we seem to never have enough time to address all those things that we have deemed worthy and necessary of our control. We are treading water in this stormy battle to grasp control of our world around us. 

Then sadly, when the rare moments happen where nothing needs fixing, tending to, or addressing we often find our souls subconsciously more restless than ever. No wonder I frequently experienced the most debilitating migraines during vacations or times of intentional nothingness. If we don’t have something TO CONTROL we often feel very OUT OF CONTROL. What an exhausting way to move through our days!

This reality of my disordered need to control became even more ironically apparent as I started to formulate this blog. Months ago I heard God calling me to start writing, which in turn inspired Latte and Laundry. “Awesome God, I got you ! I heard your message and now I’m going to, in typical Suzanne fashion, dig my controlling hands all into this!!” Trying to be more than prepared to launch a blog, especially when I feel the pressure of squeezing it in between caring for and homeschooling five little ones, I somehow ended up believing I needed to store up a pile of posts ready to throw out to the world on demand. I found myself typing away uninspired letters and words, one after the other. He then suddenly stopped me in what I believed to be my perfectly lined up tracks. He reminded me that He has called me to be a vessel FOR HIM to use in order share His incomparable, unconditional, and unwavering love with the world. He has not called me to plan out every move, every angle, every word. “I will move you, but you need to get out of the way so I can,” He says.

Why do I always insist on reigning over every aspect of my world, when the God of the universe not only keeps the stars shining and the waters flowing, but also keeps my heart pumping, lungs breathing and fingers typing. Proverbs 16:9 reminds us that “The heart of man plans his way, but the Lord establishes his steps.” For those of us who struggle in the uncertainty, the plans unmade, the heartache unfixed, the laundry unfolded, it can be almost painful to not take swift and immediate action. Yet, sometimes it is precisely in the depths of that uncertainty that our Lord is waiting to draw us near, to meet us, and to deliver us into an unearthly freedom that comes from placing our trust in Him with total abandonment. But when we move with a haste full of control we reveal our hidden lack of trust in our Lord. I can say and believe that I trust my Heavenly Father, but my squirmy hands, spinning mind and restless heart speak truth of the depths of my soul.

Recently, God tenderly revealed something to my tightly wound heart. “I NEVER ASKED YOU TO BE IN CONTROL.” I’ve walked around carrying what felt like the weight of the world on my heavy burdened shoulders, yet this was not His design. This is the result of a broken, fallen world. But what incredible hope, comfort and utter relief there is when we realize that God NEVER ASKED US to control every movement of the world around us, but rather He – our sovereign God – is in control! Every breath we take, dish we wash, shirt we fold, tear we wipe, word we write, or plan we unfold is only possible through the gracious gift of our Lord.

As I move with infant steps towards living with this new sense of understanding to let go of control and give Him the reigns, I have experienced a new sense of peace that nothing of this earth has come close to touching within the depths of my soul. When we no longer respond with a panic, a need to fix, or an “it’s all on me” inner belief, but rather look to the heavens and remind ourselves “We know You’ve got this God” the weight of the situation, big or small, starts to slowly peel off our shoulders. Then something remarkable begins to happen. This inner tranquility starts to actually remove our concern for whatever earthly outcome unfolds. Did you hear what I said? WHATEVER OUTCOME. What?!?! Yes it’s true! There is no greater FREEDOM that comes than laying our lives at the foot of the cross, abandoning ourselves to the Lord, and letting Him take the lead. God assured us in 2 Corinthians 3:17, “Where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom!”

To actually lose emotional attachment to which twist or turn our life takes and to no longer feel the angst to solve every problem because we invite Him in and KNOW He is in control, produces a powerful, unmatchable, untouchable, and OUT OF CONTROL FREEDOM! We are all on this journey, I will fall and my controlling way will peak its nasty head into my day. But when we relinquish our need to control, a softness, slowness and quietness takes over, which allows us to move with an untouchable grace. Specifically, our Lord placed this new prayer on my heart, “Lord, break me from this need to control. Free me from this bondage. Soften my face, quiet my voice and let me rush for nothing at all.” Living this out is far from easy for me and I’m often fumbling on my way to lifting it to the heavens. Yet, I have begun to lean heavily on this prayer as I climb my way back out of the trenches and up towards our Lord after a clumsy trip of distrust or anxious fall of needing to control.

So my friends, when we fall, and we will fall, we must pick ourselves up, look to the heavens, and get out of the way, so we may once again experience this beautiful and dare I say out of control freedom!

~Suzanne Bilodeau

 

 

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