Big Girls Do Cry

Published on by Suzanne Bilodeau Category: Seeking Him

I listen to her ceaseless tears and I watch her cry, twist and yank the heavy covers over her dark, shiny and tossed hair. She aches for the children she doesn’t nourish with her motherly milk, the babies she never wraps up tightly in a swaddling cloth, and the hearts she doesn’t get a chance to encourage, comfort and help mold. 

She mourns.

She weeps.

She laments.

Everyone understands it when the tragedy first lays down it’s heavy wooden cross; another pregnancy lost, another heartbeat stopped. The people come rushing in with flowers, meals and downward turned faces that quietly reveal their sympathetic souls. 

But as the days, the weeks and months go by the unspoken message can be heard like a blaring trumpet “Time to move on, you have nothing left to cry about. You have four beautiful children running around your lively house, so stop weeping for the five little souls that only Christ now gets to hold.”

Tell that to the woman whose eyes see the tiny hands and feet of the little ones who would have been her child’s peer. Whisper those words to the heart of the momma who listens to her preschooler beg for a “real live baby” to hold and cherish.  

Or how about the tears I’ve seen pour down from the single grandmother left stranded by the man who vowed to love her forever over 30 years ago. She mourns over the life she once knew, the traditions now broken, and the family now fragmented. 

But once again, as the years begin to multiply her weary heart hears the silent words left behind by the people on the outside. “It is what it is, so wipe your tears and move on!”

This idea that tears have an expiration date breathes lies into the hearts of the women whose souls throb with pain or ache with a deep sorrow.

Yet, maybe you are one of the few that doesn’t put a time limit on tears. Maybe you can read these words and sympathize with a moved heart saying “No, no, Suzanne I can understand why these women cry, why they weep!”

But what about the momma I’ve seen well up with tears of exhaustion over the hours of middle school homework, the meals to cook, the bills to pay, the sleepless nights tending to a baby and a house with layers of sticky gook she can simply never find the time to cut through? 

Should she not weep? Should she shove down her weariness and simply brave a face for all the world to see that screams “It’s fine, it’s fine, everything’s fine- My life is good, I have nothing to cry about! ”

We live in a broken inward facing world where people frequently search for something to fuss and roar about. We wave our little “I’ve been wronged” flags around expecting the people nearby to flex and mold in order to repair the cracks left by the injustices we feel. 

Yet, as followers of Christ we can often see this disorderly function of the sue-happy world we live in and conclude: “I KNOW God is good, I KNOW He adores me, I KNOW His will is supreme, so I should find joy in Him and KNOCK IT OFF with all these tears!” 

But this my friends is where we dishonor our good and glorious God by not allowing him into the most vulnerable, naked and exposed parts of our souls. The enemy loves to feed off the shame we feel for mourning “too long”, weeping “unnecessarily”, or for simply aching over a day’s hard work that has left us weary and deflated. But we must not fall into his sneaky trap.

For God, who is described as the Father of Mercies, God of All Comfort,  (2 Corinthians 1:3) and God of Hope (Romans 15:13) is the same God who ….WEPT (John 11:35). After the death of Lazarus, not only did Martha and Mary weep but so did Jesus. Jesus, who knew that He would raise Lazarus from the dead, who knew He would spend eternity with his friend, and who knew there was greater work at hand, WEPT.  

Jesus called Mary, who was weeping by her brother’s side, to come to Him. Jesus, all knowing, knew she had been mourning, and weeping in a pit of tears. Yet, He invited her to come to Him and met her right there in the depths of her lamenting sorrow and …He …WEPT. Similarly, God doesn’t ask us to muffle our tears, hide our afflictions or quiet our wails. Rather, He invites us to come to Him so that He can meet us in our pain and weep by our sides. He opens his arms and wants to absorb all of our tears and lamentations. 

But friends we must be careful, because this is not an open summons to walk around complaining and whining with our hearts turned away from our Heavenly Father. Instead, it is an invitation to free our souls from the unwarranted shame of our pain and turn our tears towards our Lord. There is a beauty that transcends over the darkness of sorrow when it pivots our souls to gaze upon our Lord. Anne Voskamp said it beautifully, “Lament is a cry of belief in a good God, a God who has His ear to our hearts, a God who transfigures the ugly into beauty. Complaint is the bitter howl of unbelief in any benevolent God in this moment, a distrust in the love-beat of the Father’s heart.”

When we lament and turn our vulnerable, exposed, sorrowful and even angry hearts towards our Lord, it transforms these tears into a beautiful prayer. This honest prayer deepens our intimate relationship with Christ and then moves our souls towards a HOPE that lies with only God himself. 

So maybe, just maybe, when you see her eyes about to pour out like a river overflowing, or feel your own heartbeat move with a rhythm of sorrow, you can wipe her tears, lean your heart upon our Lord and remember that “Yes, BIG GIRLS DO CRY!”

~Suzanne Bilodeau

The Holes of my “No’s”

Published on by Suzanne Bilodeau Category: Stillness

“Mommy, will you play with me?”

“Can you please snuggle longer?”

“Momma, watch what I can do!”

So sweet and cute are these repeated requests from the little mouths of the ones I get to call mine (though to be honest, they are only on loan to me from God). So why do these words often feel painful, burdensome, and dare I say annoying? Even writing this I am baffled with how ridiculous it is that such tender, loved filled words would be anything but delightful to my ears.

I knew that when I chose to stay home and homeschool I wouldn’t have a 3 minute bathroom break uninterrupted for what seems like the next 100 years. I am constantly reading this, or listening to that in an attempt to be enough, to be everything these little ones need. I pour my heart and soul into trying to be the best momma I can be for them. I would jump in front of a moving train just to save one tangled up piece of hair from their precious heads. SO WHY…why does it often feel so life draining to hear them tugging for just a little more of me? IT ..DOES.. NOT… MAKE.. SENSE!!!

As I started writing this, I was really grappling with understanding.  How can it be that in one moment the adorable faces that I want to snuggle and kiss can in the same breath provoke a knee jerking “leave me alone” internal response? In all honesty, I had to take a few weeks to really reflect and pray about what was driving this embarrassing truth. Is it because I don’t want to snuggle? The answer is no. Is it because I don’t want to watch what they can do? Nope that isn’t truth, either. Is it because I don’t want to get on the ground and play a board game with them instead of washing the dishes? Again the answer is No! 

After a lot of prayer, reflection and time with Christ in adoration, God started to slowly whisper the hidden force that caused such honest, but broken responses to flare up within – FEAR. 

Now I think all of us mommas can appreciate that we don’t always want to, or cannot always comply with these simple requests made by our kiddos. 

No I can’t snuggle for ten more minutes when I already just spent ten with you AND each of your four siblings, and now I actually need to finish washing your clothes or you won’t have any undies to wear this week.

Maybe, I don’t want to spend twenty minutes reading one more Ninjago book because daddy and I are planning to watch a movie.  

Or maybe sometimes I simply want to cook in the kitchen, quietly by myself, while listening to a good podcast, without the distraction of a child tossing flour onto our already sticky floor. 

But this my friends is not where my brokenness lies. This is called needing to tend to our family’s needs. This is called wanting to and needing to spend time with my hubby. This is simply called desiring some quiet moments in my day. All of these are healthy and beautiful. 

Where the disorder and brokenness falls is the spiraling and restless response that builds up within my soul. It is in a deep hidden place that speaks into my fear. I fear their disappointment, I fear their little hearts being let down, I fear failing them, but most of all I fear that I WON’T BE ENOUGH. Somehow, my internal dialogue hears my mind’s healthy response of “No, I can’t right now” or “Sorry, momma needs a moment of quiet instead” and my fear of failing them bubbles up like an anxious time bomb loudly ticking away. 

I remember when this disorder exploded right in front of my first born’s eyes. I had just spent the evening taking her to gymnastics, followed by a walk downtown and special dinner date, just the two of us. As a mom of many littles, these moments are rare. I drove home patting myself on the back, so proud of the devoted time I gave this young lady, who owns a piece of my heart. I was delighted that we had some special time to just laugh and enjoy each other’s company, far away from the chores and the hustle and bustle of our busy and chaotic lives. We snuck in the house while all the others were already asleep. After snuggling for fifteen minutes and continuing our silly conversations, I decided it was late and time I tuck her in and say goodnight. As I was leaving, she pursed her lips into a pouty face and huffed a sigh of sadness. 

Whaaaaaaat!!???!! I could have simply said “I know it’s a bummer kiddo, but it’s time for bed, goodnight I love you.” Yet, instead, my mind spiraled with “How dare you act sad, how dare you make me feel like I disappointed you!” I couldn’t handle, that after all that quality time spent, she still could have any sentiment other than 100% fully satisfied. My eyebrows furrowed and my voice got stern with an angry “Knock it off, don’t act disappointed!!” What else I said, I don’t quite remember. All I know is I word-vomited my anger towards her. 

I’ve watched my husband dozens, or more likely hundreds, of times simply say “no” then tenderly kiss them goodnight, goodbye or tell them to go play outside. He doesn’t panic and freak out inside, followed by an explosion of “Why can’t you stop asking for more of me?”Unlike myself, he carries a grace allowing him to love, cherish, play with and adore these little ones while also being able to simply say “No, I can’t right now” without a fearful angst. 

Don’t get me wrong, though I say yes a ton, I FREQUENTLY say no to them because I have laundry to fold, a baby to put down or a cup of coffee I’ve reheated for the 119th time that I’d like to enjoy. Yet, it is often in these times that my body exudes a fiery smoke filled air that reveals that I’m annoyed with the request, no matter how much I try to smile through my gritty teeth. Even writing this I see how ironic it is!  It is this fragile mom heart that fears disappointing and failing them which causes me to boil up with a frustrated internal response ultimately leading to the very thing I feared – hurting them. 

Why can’t I simply say no when I need to, without subconsciously projecting a future of intense therapy and resentment years down the line? It is simple, their disappointment or feelings of let down MAKE ME UNCOMFORTABLE! Now, there is a beautiful component to this. We shouldn’t enjoy or feel good about our child’s pain or sadness. Sometimes this uncomfortableness is God’s way of keeping our hearts in check. However, when this discomfort is precipitous to an explosive, yet often secret internal spiral, then it is nothing but disordered.

I can easily and peacefully say “No, you can’t have more ice-cream” or “No, it’s time for school, not PLAY.” I can hang my hat on the old “It’s tough love kid” philosophy. I know they won’t like it, but I KNOW that these “No’s” are good for them. Yet, I’m uncomfortable and angst when my NO refers to “No you can’t have more of me right now.” 

I fear that they won’t know my unceasing love for them if I disappoint them in this way. 

I fear that all of my thousands of “yes’s” WON’T BE ENOUGH! 

I fear that I WILL NOT BE ENOUGH!

But as I prayed and reflected on this disordered, broken and panicky internal response which caused the ugly, internal tailspin, God revealed something so humbling, yet beautiful to my perfectionist heart. “Momma, you won’t be enough. But that’s okay, because I AM.” 

As Saint Teresa of Avila reminds us “Whoever has God lacks nothing: God alone is enough!” Now I don’t think this is a lazy woman’s excuse to throw my hands in the air and say “Ehhh well God says I can’t be perfect, and I can’t avoid disappointing them, so I’m off the hook!”

Instead it is a tender reminder from our good God that we ARE NOT PERFECT. We will disappoint them, and we will let them down. Many times that let down is just, unavoidable and simply ok, while other times it is the reflection of our weaknesses and shortcomings. Yet either way, we shouldn’t be ruled by the fear that we won’t be enough for them.  Because newsflash, NO ONE , and I mean NO ONE can be enough for anyone. Only our glorious God himself is enough.

But this is where the beauty lies. He knows we are not enough, yet we remain His beloved children and His love for the souls he placed in our care far surpasses the intense love we have for them. God desires to fill in the holes and bridge the gaps left by our human nature.  We can’t avoid leaving behind a trail of disappointment nor meet every pure desire they may have for just one more ounce of us. But lucky for us, the God of the universe is never too busy, never requires some quiet alone time and NEVER TIRES from being pulled at by these little hearts. 

So instead of fearing what we lack or what disappointment we will cause, we should take our eyes off ourselves and move our hearts and those of our children towards the Lord. St. Paul reminds us that through our weakness God’s power is made full. “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” 2 Corinthians 12:9. 

So today, I will give my kiddos a million “Yes’s”, and I will trust my good God to fill in and make new any holes left behind by my “No’s.”

~Suzanne Bilodeau

 

Grow Like a Tree

Published on by Suzanne Bilodeau Category: Seeking Him

Okay, before you panic after reading the title, you have got to hear me out on this one. Although I do love the outdoors and exploring with my kids, please don’t stress – this is not some fluffy advice on “Being one with the trees.” Don’t worry, I’m not asking you to abandon or forget your God given human dignity and worth!

This all started when I was on my usual morning run weeks back. All seemed right and well that particular day (at least for those 36 minutes I was running), yet I felt restless. As I was turning a bend on a quiet crisp morning, suddenly something so simple, so obvious, so basic struck me. Look at all these trees with branches all entangled, bursting out and upwards! As I stared at the leaves, just starting to shimmer with the golden, crimson and ruby hues of autumn I realized something I’ve always known, but never thought through. Every tree I could see as far as my eye could carry, every Oak, Maple and Birch all grew upwards. These heavy leaf-burdened branches all fought to stretch out and up in search of its life giving warmth, the sun. Trees require sunlight for photosynthesis, a process for which a plant converts light, oxygen and water into energy. This much-needed process is required for a tree to grow, bloom and produce seed or fruit.

“OK, OK Suzanne, I’m bored! This is obvious elementary science 101” you say. But have you sat back and reflected on the simple yet brilliant submission of the trees to move as they were designed to, in order that they may grow and fully thrive. No one had to instruct them, sit them down, lecture to them, nor tell them that the light was there even when dark clouds kept it hidden. They all grew out and up, instinctively seeking out what they needed-the sun light. They didn’t need constant reminders that if their branches refused to listen to their God given design and grow down or hidden from the light they would eventually suffer from nutrient deficiency and would ultimately die.

From the time of germination, when the seedling bursts through the soil seeking out the light, to its mature state when the expansive branches continue to stretch up and out towards the heavens, this simple yet beautiful living creation knows to search for the sun. Without going into the nitty gritty science of what causes them to push and bend towards the light, we can still appreciate the beauty of their nature to simply seek what they need. Some trees need more sunlight than others in order to thrive . However, without enough sunlight a tree will eventually die. We, God’s most beautiful intricate and unique creation were also created with this God-given need for the light. Our wonderfully knit together souls are constantly fighting to tell our hearts and minds to look up to the heavens. In the deep cracks and often hidden crevices of our souls we KNOW that we too were created to move upwards towards the life-giving light, Christ himself. For Christ said “ I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will never walk in darkness but will have the light of life” John 8:12.

The restless angst we often all feel, as I was this particular day, is the subconscious awareness that we aren’t fully seeking out and growing towards this brightness. It is in this gaping hole of darkness which we fill with Instagram feeds, Facebook threads, fears, comparisons, and the distraction of busyness. We often feel temporary contentment with the complacency of soccer practices, meals to be cooked, meetings to attend and new shows on Netflix to binge. Yet, when our hearts are consumed with only things of this world we are ASLEEP – dormant versions of who God created us to be. This is why it is said, “Wake up sleeper rise from the dead and Christ will SHINE on you.” Ephesians 5:14. Christ wants to shine His abundant light and warmth upon us. But in order to thrive and in order to grow in His righteousness we, just as the trees so simply do, must open ourselves up, stretch and grow toward this life sustaining light, Christ. We must seek Him always and in everything.

This life we walk here on earth is often filled with dark cloudy days. The overcast of bills unpaid, children acting up, marital battles, or friendships strained, can often feel discouraging. Others have sat in years of stormy rain filled skies with loved ones lost, infertility heartaches, health issues or single parenthood, yet one thing remains. Behind the grey skies, or the hazy air, the sun and its impenetrable light is still there burning brightly. Our Lord similarly never abandons us.

We may not always see or feel God but, just as my younger self felt the aftermath of cloudy day sunburns, similarly God’s rays of love and mercy NEVER stop shining. God is an ever burning constant who desires to grow in intimacy with us so that the warmth of His graces can be poured out upon us. If only we would participate in this dance and move towards Him.

Did you know that plants, who are suffering from the stress of light deficiency become so keenly aware of their condition that they enter an emergency state of survival called etiolation? This is when they stop all other production and use all of their remaining energy and resources to grow up as high as possible to try to reach sunlight again! During dark or even lukewarm times, for which we have, consciously or subconsciously, tried to bury ourselves in the dark soil of this world, we too must become aware of our need for and lack of God in our lives. It can be difficult during these stormy or cloudy times to even recognize our need for this light. Yet, when we turn away from the light because it feels hidden behind a cloud of loneliness, dark storm of pain, or haze of complacency, our souls begin to starve from a God deficiency. We like the trees must pour our energy into reaching for the ever shining light and warmth of His goodness again.

We humans, like animals and many living things, do much of our growing when we’re young and then stop growing once we mature. But trees, it turns out, are an exception to this general rule. Scientists have discovered that trees actually grow faster the older they get. Though they do eventually reach a maximum height, if healthy, they continue to rapidly get bulkier. Now, I don’t mean like someone who fills out in the waistline, but rather they grow bigger and stronger like the human equivalent of a bodybuilder. They NEVER stop growing.

We are similarly on this never-ending journey to grow in spiritual strength and fortitude. We, like the trees, should never cease growing, but rather we should continue to bulk up on prayer, faith and a closeness with Him. Through prayer and an active seeking of Christ, we would grow in such spiritual strength that all those around us couldn’t help but recognize the fruit by which this relationship with our Lord would bear in our lives. Therefore, like the trees who reach for the light, and never stop growing; our hearts, minds and souls will blossom and produce the most tasteful fruit when we ceaselessly spend our moments, our days and our years REACHING FOR HIM!

~Suzanne Bilodeau

Out of Control Freedom

Published on by Suzanne Bilodeau Category: Letting Go

“Relinquish your control to me and I will set you free.” It’s a message He has placed deep in my heart for weeks, months and years. My tightly wound, I-could-do-it-better, Type A personality just doesn’t know how to let go of control. My mind curtails from controlling one thing to the next. Napkins should be folded as triangles not rectangles for dinner. You shouldn’t wear that sweater, it doesn’t match. Did you ask to eat that apple? No you can’t use my washer and dryer because I still have clothes strategically hiding in there that I have yet to address.

I find myself trying to thrust control onto the adorable faces that greet me each morning, at the exhausted, yet gracious man I fall asleep next to, and in almost every other relationship I have! My relationship with money- I control it, with food-I control it, with people -I control it! Move quicker, move slower, talk louder, much quieter, write more, say less, we need to buy that, stop spending all our money!

No woman started off as a tender curious little girl dreaming that one day she would exert control over every facet of her life. Yet, many of us learn early on, that when life seems broken and out of control, that we can find a disordered calm by taking things into our own hands. That quickly leaks into all corners, big and small, of our lives and we start to flounder in a puddle of utter self-reliance. From within the depths of control we are often blind to how incredibly exhausting and taxing this role of self-dependency really is. We not only run ourselves dry by researching and acting hastily upon every concern we have, but we seem to never have enough time to address all those things that we have deemed worthy and necessary of our control. We are treading water in this stormy battle to grasp control of our world around us. 

Then sadly, when the rare moments happen where nothing needs fixing, tending to, or addressing we often find our souls subconsciously more restless than ever. No wonder I frequently experienced the most debilitating migraines during vacations or times of intentional nothingness. If we don’t have something TO CONTROL we often feel very OUT OF CONTROL. What an exhausting way to move through our days!

This reality of my disordered need to control became even more ironically apparent as I started to formulate this blog. Months ago I heard God calling me to start writing, which in turn inspired Latte and Laundry. “Awesome God, I got you ! I heard your message and now I’m going to, in typical Suzanne fashion, dig my controlling hands all into this!!” Trying to be more than prepared to launch a blog, especially when I feel the pressure of squeezing it in between caring for and homeschooling five little ones, I somehow ended up believing I needed to store up a pile of posts ready to throw out to the world on demand. I found myself typing away uninspired letters and words, one after the other. He then suddenly stopped me in what I believed to be my perfectly lined up tracks. He reminded me that He has called me to be a vessel FOR HIM to use in order share His incomparable, unconditional, and unwavering love with the world. He has not called me to plan out every move, every angle, every word. “I will move you, but you need to get out of the way so I can,” He says.

Why do I always insist on reigning over every aspect of my world, when the God of the universe not only keeps the stars shining and the waters flowing, but also keeps my heart pumping, lungs breathing and fingers typing. Proverbs 16:9 reminds us that “The heart of man plans his way, but the Lord establishes his steps.” For those of us who struggle in the uncertainty, the plans unmade, the heartache unfixed, the laundry unfolded, it can be almost painful to not take swift and immediate action. Yet, sometimes it is precisely in the depths of that uncertainty that our Lord is waiting to draw us near, to meet us, and to deliver us into an unearthly freedom that comes from placing our trust in Him with total abandonment. But when we move with a haste full of control we reveal our hidden lack of trust in our Lord. I can say and believe that I trust my Heavenly Father, but my squirmy hands, spinning mind and restless heart speak truth of the depths of my soul.

Recently, God tenderly revealed something to my tightly wound heart. “I NEVER ASKED YOU TO BE IN CONTROL.” I’ve walked around carrying what felt like the weight of the world on my heavy burdened shoulders, yet this was not His design. This is the result of a broken, fallen world. But what incredible hope, comfort and utter relief there is when we realize that God NEVER ASKED US to control every movement of the world around us, but rather He – our sovereign God – is in control! Every breath we take, dish we wash, shirt we fold, tear we wipe, word we write, or plan we unfold is only possible through the gracious gift of our Lord.

As I move with infant steps towards living with this new sense of understanding to let go of control and give Him the reigns, I have experienced a new sense of peace that nothing of this earth has come close to touching within the depths of my soul. When we no longer respond with a panic, a need to fix, or an “it’s all on me” inner belief, but rather look to the heavens and remind ourselves “We know You’ve got this God” the weight of the situation, big or small, starts to slowly peel off our shoulders. Then something remarkable begins to happen. This inner tranquility starts to actually remove our concern for whatever earthly outcome unfolds. Did you hear what I said? WHATEVER OUTCOME. What?!?! Yes it’s true! There is no greater FREEDOM that comes than laying our lives at the foot of the cross, abandoning ourselves to the Lord, and letting Him take the lead. God assured us in 2 Corinthians 3:17, “Where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom!”

To actually lose emotional attachment to which twist or turn our life takes and to no longer feel the angst to solve every problem because we invite Him in and KNOW He is in control, produces a powerful, unmatchable, untouchable, and OUT OF CONTROL FREEDOM! We are all on this journey, I will fall and my controlling way will peak its nasty head into my day. But when we relinquish our need to control, a softness, slowness and quietness takes over, which allows us to move with an untouchable grace. Specifically, our Lord placed this new prayer on my heart, “Lord, break me from this need to control. Free me from this bondage. Soften my face, quiet my voice and let me rush for nothing at all.” Living this out is far from easy for me and I’m often fumbling on my way to lifting it to the heavens. Yet, I have begun to lean heavily on this prayer as I climb my way back out of the trenches and up towards our Lord after a clumsy trip of distrust or anxious fall of needing to control.

So my friends, when we fall, and we will fall, we must pick ourselves up, look to the heavens, and get out of the way, so we may once again experience this beautiful and dare I say out of control freedom!

~Suzanne Bilodeau

 

 

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Two Simple Words I’ve Always Overlooked

Published on by Suzanne Bilodeau Category: Stillness

You’ve probably all heard it, reflected on it, or maybe have simply seen it written in black script letters on a cute little shiplap sign on the clearance rack in the back of your local HomeGoods store. “Be still and know that I am God” Psalms 46:10. My whole life I’ve heard these words and seen them written– “Be still and KNOW THAT I AM GOD” –as a reminder to know that God was, is and always will be. It felt like a more explicit version of Exodus 3:14 where Moses asked God for whom he should tell the Israelites that he was and God righteously and boldly answered “ I am” PERIOD. What a simple yet powerful response, God simply is!

Having grown very convicted in my faith over the past decade I often hear these words with an overly arrogant internal response of “Yeah yeah yeah I’ve mastered this one, without a doubt I KNOW that He is God” and I MOVE on. So as I snuck into my kitchen between diaper changes to place these same words onto our family’s memory verse letter board (a place where I started putting Bible verses, that I thought I mastered, for my kiddos to learn, memorize and lean on) the message suddenly morphed. A whole new message overflowed from two simple words that I have never paid attention to before. BE STILL . 

The irony that I never slowed down enough to really hear these two vital words gives me a little chuckle. As a self-proclaimed Type A, constantly onto the next task, frantic mess kind of a woman I had never examined the two crucial words that preceded in knowing that God was: BE STILL. God didn’t politely say “If you could please slow down ever so slightly and believe I am God that would be fantastic” rather He cut to the chase and said BE STILL. Quiet your heart, your soul, stop the mental checklist, the worry brigade, the finger tapping, and the Facebook scrolling. How can we truly know God if we don’t heed to God’s first request to be still?

 

Now, as a never slowing down mother of five, I do not find being still easy. Before you eye roll at this misleading comment please hear me out. I say this not because I don’t desire to be still, rather I often secretly daydream of sitting on a beach with two iced lattes in either hand and zero little humans climbing all over me. However, I, like many women, often don’t allow my soul to slow down enough to ever become STILL. My heart and mind are constantly moving – the complete opposite of still.

As I wash the dishes I’m debating if I failed my son because I’m not sure I was cut out for teaching him to read. While losing my patience with my oldest three who are entangled in a fight, I’m cringing at the thick layer of sticky gook, a.k.a. my kitchen floor, that I just never get around to mopping. During an explosive diaper change, I notice the toddler coloring by herself for 1,376th day in a row and I fear she is getting lost in the crowd. As I finally read the pile of ignored text messages that come through my phone I realize and regret that I forgot a friend’s birthday and concoct a way to make it up to her while simultaneously feeling guilty that I’m ignoring my kids for 120 seconds and am convinced they will all need therapy for the “device” neglect their entire generation will receive. Ooo shoot I forgot to register for soccer and now I have to email the Rec director and beg for mercy so my boys won’t be devastated. Wait maybe it’s better off anyways as one of my sons usually spends half of his time beating himself up for missing goals. Do I want to deal with that emotional struggle again? 

My soul struggles to rest as it constantly stirs with worry, excites with ambition and runs down a never ending checklist. Yet I hear this message from our gracious and generous God: “Slow down my beloved daughter and delight in My goodness”….. “BE STILL”. What does this look like? Now my sweet sisters, I don’t think our Lord is asking me to sit on my crayon stained couch while my kiddos run amuck and the diapers go unchanged, the meals uncooked and the bills unpaid (though let’s be real that does sound appealing). Rather He is calling us to find a deep stillness within our restless souls so we can intimately invite Him into the grainiest crevices of our lives. When the many meltdowns are happening, the dinner is burning or I’m rushing five little people out the door, He asks me to MOVE forward with a STILLNESS set on Him. 

He is inviting me to quietly center my heart so that I may know His goodness, His generosity, His mercy, His deep friendship, His undying love for me…..so that I may know HIM! When we actively quiet our usually busy souls in order to turn our gaze towards Him, even in the midst of the chaotic moving juggle we call life, it isn’t just knowing Him that becomes our sweet reward. Rather it is through this active effort to be still that we can find an authentic rest that only God’s Graces can provide. 

He promised us in Matthew 11:28 that if we come to Him, I mean truly come to Him by pivoting our hearts toward Him, He WILL give us rest! “Come to me all you who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest” ! Mic drop!! When we still our souls enough to look to Him in the midst of these busy and hard moments He delights in swelling up so much within us that there literally becomes less room for fear, anxiety, anger and worry. Do you see the circle ladies? It is in this stilling of our hearts that we come to see and to Know God who then in turn gives us an unearthly rest and elevates our souls to an even greater stillness. What a truly good God He is!!!

~Suzanne Bilodeau